


and so many miles to go

by Balthamos



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Growing Up Together, Growing up apart, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-10-09 18:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17412383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: Isak sometimes got this feeling, like butterflies, when something was about to change, going to impact his life. He felt it just before his grandmother passed away, and then again when things started changing at home, his mother getting upset more frequently, his father working longer hours. The feeling he got as he stared across the room at the other boy was similar, but not quite the same, instead of worry there was hope, and… excitement? Something was about to change but for the better this time.





	1. three and beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> So I have been wanting to get back into writing forever. I’ve been reading for a long time and constantly daydreaming about stuff I would like to write myself. It’ been a long time, and I’m pretty rusty, but I just miss writing so I finally made myself sit down on the last day of my Christmas break. I’m a lot busier these days, so I have no idea how frequent I will update, but I’ve gotten the bare bones of the story all written out, so I’m aiming for once a week.

**June 2009**

Isak hated this. It was the first day of the summer break. Instead of chilling in his room playing on his Xbox, he was already up and dressed. They were in the car on his way to some summer club at the church, that his father had signed him up for. Jonas had laughed in his face when he’d told him all about it. Isak had been complaining about it for the last month of term, but Jonas only seemed amused by his plight.

Jonas was off to his grandparents in Ålesund for the entire summer this year because his parents had to work. It was longer than the usual two weeks he spent there, and the reason Isak was going to be spending his summer in “school”. Even though his own mother was home, she wasn’t too busy working like Jonas’ parents. But she also wasn’t capable of supervising him anymore.

His mother was unaware he was there most of the time. When they’d left her in the living room that morning she hadn’t even noticed them. She was too focussed on whatever it was she could see in the corner of the room, whatever demons she imagined. Isak didn’t understand what was going on with his mother, but she’d been like this for a while now. It started a few years ago, with an obsession with the church and grew from there. Isak had had to accept his mother was not normal like Jonas’ mother, not like he remembered from when he was young. And because of this, she was unable to keep an eye on him over the summer. Not that Isak needed any such supervising. He was ten for goodness sake, he wasn’t a baby. He looked out of the window at the church as they pulled into the car park. This was going to suck.

“I don’t see why I have to be here,” he grumbled.

His father sighed, running his hand over his face. Isak looked over at him, he looked so tired, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent than ever.

“Look Isak-”

Isak kicked his feet against the dashboard. “No, but seriously pappa, it’s the holidays, why can’t I just stay-”

“Isak, mamma isn’t well.” They’d had this argument over and over. “She needs quiet in the house-”

“Pappa I can be quiet, God! I can just stay in my room, she won’t even know I’m there! I’ll put headphones on, please pappa,” Isak begged.

His father sighed again.

“Would you please do this, for me Isak, please?” he asked.

“But I hate church,” he moaned, throwing his head back against the seat.

There had been years of early Sunday mornings dragged to services by his mother. Evenings made to sit at the living room table going through the bible until his father came home. Or forced to pray, locked in a dark cupboard, his mother screaming outside about the rapture for hours on end. All this had somewhat darkened his opinion of the church.

His father nodded, understanding his apprehension.

“It’s not church Isak, it’s just a fun club,” his father explained.

“It’s going to be just like school,” Isak whined.

“But you love school,” his father reminded him.

“Yeah normally. But this is just going to be a bunch of nerds, and Jonas won’t be there. I won’t even know anyone! And I bet everyone’s going to be a baby. It's going to suck!” Isak exclaimed, but he knew he'd lost the argument.

So he reached for his bag. His father gave him a weak smile.

“Do you need me to walk you in?”

“No pappa,” Isak said, rolling his eyes.

“Ok then, Sofie is expecting you, so just register at the reception and she’ll show you where to go. I have to go to work now. Ok? But I’ll pick you up after,” he said.

“Yes pappa,” Isak said

“Isak I mean it, wait for me to pick you up, don’t just leave, ok?”

“God you treat me like such a baby,” Isak muttered.

“Isak,” his father warned.

Isak nodded and got out of the car, he started to walk toward the church.

“Isak?” his father called

Isak turned back.

“Have fun ok?”

“I’ll try pappa,” he said.

“Thanks, Isak.”

Isak shrugged and headed into the church as his father drove away. He walked up to Sofie at the desk, she was sitting there reading a magazine and didn’t notice him until he reached her.

“Hi, I’m-”

“Marianne’s boy! Isak hi! How are you? How’s your mother?” She stood up and walked around her desk, placing her hands on his shoulders, steering him toward the hall. “It really is so lovely to have you here this year! You’ll have so much fun! Come this way!”

Isak didn’t even get a chance to answer her quickfire questions as she led him into the church hall. He looked around and grimaced, it was like a creche or something, none of the kids looked older than five. This was even worse than he’d expected. It was going to be awful, the absolute worst summer ever.

Isak supposed that some kids his own age would be able to stay home alone. But with his mother the way she was this was the only option his father had.

“So Isak there’s books over here,” she said, gesturing to a worn out bookshelf, “and of course there are plenty of toys. And we even have video games.”

By video games, she meant an ancient looking television. Three boys were surrounding it playing some childish game.

Isak sighed.

“Oh and we have two computers,” she nodded to another corner.

That could be promising. Isak started to move toward the desk setup but stopped when he felt Sofie’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hold on now, you’ll need a permission slip from a parent before you can use those,” she chuckled.

“Great,” Isak muttered.

Sofie frowned at his lack of enthusiasm, so he gave her a small smile. She clapped her hands together.

“Brilliant, well I’ll leave you to it then, I’m sure you’ll make some new friends in no time. Alma and Elise are over there if you need any help.” She nodded at two teenage girls wearing the bright green polo shirts, as a makeshift uniform. They looked like they wanted to be there as much as Isak.

Sofie left, presumably to go back to whatever gossip she was reading in her magazine. Isak shifted his rucksack on his shoulder and stomped over to the corner, and sat down. He scanned the room. There were two girls close to his age, huddled over a notebook, whispering about something. He rolled his eyes, he wished Jonas was here, or at least at home so they could hang out at his place. He opened his bag, pulled out his current Weird but True book, sat back against the wall, and started to read.

After a few minutes, he glanced up from the book. Someone was watching him, a boy, older than him, taller than him. He had dark blonde hair and a curious look on his face. Then he grinned at Isak. Isak felt his cheeks heat up, he glanced back down at his book. He looked up at the boy again, he was still watching him. Isak managed a small smile, feeling shy. But this seemed to be all it took. The boy pushed himself off the wall and bounded over to where Isak was sitting.

“Hi, I’m Even!”


	2. three and before - part i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not a hundred percent happy with this, still feeling like my writing is pretty rusty. In fairness, the most writing I do these days are lab reports, but I’m getting back into it. I’m enjoying writing this story anyway, which is the most important thing. Not sure how long this story is going to be yet, but I’ve written the end and all my favourite bits in the middle, just pulling it all together now. Still aiming for a chapter a week.

**june 2013**

Isak woke up with a start. His door was flung open, crashing against his bookshelf, and an excited Even jumped onto his bed.

“C’mon Isak wake up!” Even shouted, prodding his face. “It’s your birthday!”

Isak kept his eyes closed.

“Too loud,” he groaned, but Even wouldn’t let up, shaking his shoulders now.

Isak shrugged him off, finally opening his eyes and squinting up at him. Even was grinning down at him. How on earth did he always have so much energy in the mornings? Isak had never figured it out. No matter what time he finally fell asleep, he always felt like he could do with another solid ten hours of sleep. He glared at Even, who beamed back at him. He sighed and sat up, running a hand over his face.

“Why are you here at,” he grabbed his phone to check the time “8.12? Even what the hell?” He fell back against the pillow and threw his arm across his face.

“Because it’s your birthday! You’re fourteen today! And it’s summer Isak! It’s our time and we need to make the most of it,” Even reminded him. He pulled his arm away from his face, and used it to pull him upright again.

“And? You know I don’t care, it’s just another day,” Isak said, pulling against Even, trying to stay horizontal.

“I got you a present,” Even said, a little cautious.

“Even I told you-”

“I know I know, don’t get me a present. I don’t want anything. I hate my birthday. Blah blah blah.”

He said all this in a much higher pitch than his usual voice. Isak scowled.

“That sounds nothing like me!” he said.

“Get up! Come on Isak, I have plans for us! We need to get going!”

Even was almost bouncing where he knelt on the bed.

“How about you let me go back to sleep?” Isak grumbled.

He looked back down at his pillow, then back at Even’s hopeful face and knew the battle was lost.

“Fine,” he said, pushing Even away and sitting up.

Even paid him no mind and sat back down beside him.

“No church rubbish this year either Isak. This is our first year of true freedom,” he reminded him, nudging him with his shoulder.

Even had gone back to the summer club with him every summer after that first one. Even though he hadn’t needed too. He’d told him at the end of that first summer, that he’d only been supposed to stay for the first two weeks. Just until his mother had the time off work, but he’d ended up staying the rest of the summer to keep Isak company. Isak couldn’t have been more grateful.

And then they’d gone back each summer for the past four years. But this year was the first year his father was allowing him to stay at home for the summer. It could be because he finally thought Isak was old enough to stay home alone.

Or perhaps it was because Sofie had asked Isak’s pappa not to send him back again. The last year they were there, Isak had come up with an elaborate experiment to pass the time. It involved balloons, flour, and washing up liquid. Even had been game because he always was, and had provided Isak with the lighter. They ended up making such a mess that the ever-patient Sofie had sent them home early. Much to the boys’ delight. They were getting too old to spend the days cooped up in a church hall anyway. After that first afternoon free to roam the streets, they’d ended up sneaking off most days.

Isak knew the real reason he was allowed to stay home though. Now that his mother was no longer living at home it was safe for him to be there alone. She’d been in the specialist residential facility for sixth months now. Isak would have gone to the club every day including weekends if it meant she could’ve stayed at home.

“Yet here we are, up at the crack of dawn anyway,” Isak groaned.

Even laughed at him. “Eight is hardly the crack of dawn Isak,” he said.

“Yeah well I need my sleep Even,” he whined.

“If you just went to bed at normal times perhaps you would wake up in a better mood,” Even suggested.

Isak sighed. He did go to bed at a normal time, he’d gone to bed at eleven the previous evening, exhausted, but still he couldn’t sleep. He rubbed his eyes, it was getting worse.

“Still having trouble sleeping?” Even asked, running a thumb under his eye.

Isak knew there were dark shadows there, his eyes felt sore almost constantly now.

“Yeah, you said it would get better,” he said.

“I really thought it would though. Without all the noise, the shouting, the disruption.” Even said

He was frowning at him, worried now.

“But now it’s so quiet Even, it's _too_ quiet and so I just lay there all night. Worrying. It’s like I just can’t stop thinking, it never stops!”

Isak had tried to explain these feelings to Even several times now. He was so tired.

“Worrying about what?” Even asked.

“Everything,” he said, which he knew explained nothing, but he didn’t want to get into this again.

Even was still frowning. “Isak do you think maybe-”

Isak cut him off, standing up from the bed and turning to him.

“C’mon then, I have to eat if you’re planning on dragging me all over the place.”

Even hesitated, he looked like he wanted to press the matter, but he scanned Isak’s face and let it go. No doubt he would try again tomorrow.

Instead he let Isak lead him downstairs, into the kitchen. His father was sitting there at the table. He was sipping coffee, and frowning at something on his computer.

“Morning Isak, happy birthday son,” his father said, looking up from the screen.

“Mm.”

“Can’t believe my little boy is fourteen already,” he said.

“Not little,” Isak muttered.

“You are quite little,” Even countered.

He came to stand beside Isak, towering over him as if to prove a point. He’d had a growth spurt recently and now there was almost half a foot between them. Isak was not happy about the recent development.

“No, you’re just a giraffe,” he argued.

Even laughed.

“You’ll catch up Isak, don’t worry,” his father said, watching the two boys from where he sat.

Isak shrugged, turning away from him to grab a bowl. He poured some cereal and sat down at the table. Even sat down beside him.

“Morning again Even,” his father said.

“Morning again Terje,” Even said.

Isak turned to him. “Are you eating?”

“Already ate,” he said.

“Of course you have,” he muttered.

“So grumpy in the mornings,” Even teased.

“Stop it Even,” Isak said.

He didn’t mean to be this grumpy, but he hated talking to people in the morning. He needed a few minutes of quiet while he came round. Talking wasn’t easy for him like it was for Even. He was always deliberating over what to say, second-guessing himself. It wasn’t so bad with people he knew and trusted, but still, he hated having to think so early.

“Ok Isak,” Even said.

Even got it because of course he did, he knew Isak better than anyone. Had spent countless hours sitting quietly with Isak. Or filling the silence with his voice when the quiet got too much.

“Isak, look yesterday was a bit of a disaster I know, but I called the facility and mamma is fine, honestly. She just got a bit overwhelmed I think, worked up about your birthday…”

So it was his fault then. As usual. They’d gone to visit his mamma at her facility, to do his presents and birthday lunch. But his mother hadn’t been in a good way, the nurses said she’d been worked up all night. And when they got there she’d grabbed a hold of Isak, dragging him away from the nurses and his father. Trying to protect him from something only she could see. She had started praying frantically. Shortly after that, the nurses had whisked her away. Isak stood there watching after her as she fought the nurses escorting her down the hallway.

He glanced at Even and saw the realisation dawn on his face, as he figured out Isak’s mood. The reason he wanted to ignore his birthday this year. He took a hold of Isak’s hand.

“I told you I didn’t care about my birthday!” Isak said, directing his frustration at his father.

His father didn’t seem to get it. But what was the point of celebrating his birthday when he’d locked up his mother two towns away? When the mere idea of Isak getting older seemed to freak her out, and cause her mood to spiral. Isak wanted to forget about the whole thing.

“I know you did but we can't ignore it Isak. It’s your _birthday_ , so I was thinking we could try again next Saturday, I’ll call ahead-”

“No pappa please can we just leave it?” he insisted.

“Isak,” he pressed.

“She’ll forget it all by next Saturday so can we please just drop it?” Isak said.

His father looked at him sadly for a while before nodding.

“Ok Isak,” he said.

He closed his laptop and stood up.

“Going to work?” Even asked him.

“Yeah, no summer break for me,” he joked, but it fell flat.

He was working all hours, Isak hardly ever saw him anymore. It was even worse since his mother moved into care. Now Isak was almost always alone when he was in the house. Which was why he spent all his time at Even’s or Jonas’ houses.

“So you boys got plans?”

“Yeah but it’s a birthday surprise, for Isak,” Even said. “In addition to your actual present of course,” he added.

“Even’s taking me to the Science Museum, they’re doing a lecture series on the evolution of the universe,” Isak said.

Even’s mouth dropped open. “Isak- What?”

Isak grinned at him, finally waking up a little now that he’d got food. Terje smiled down at the pair of them whilst he put his things in his bag.

“That sounds like a lot of fun boys. Have a great time,” Terje said before heading to the door. He paused there, “Make sure you behave yourself Isak,” he added.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean pappa? I’m always well behaved. I’m the best behaved in my class, no in my year.”

“Yes I’m not sure your poor teachers would agree with that statement,” he said, chuckling to himself as he walked out.

Isak was quiet most of the time, especially around other kids his own age. But it wasn’t shyness, so much as a lack of wanting to talk. He had no issues talking with his teachers, barraging them with constant questions. He couldn’t help it, he was curious. He wanted to know everything, understand everything, and sometimes it felt he wasn’t getting the information fast enough.

“Rude,” Isak said, getting up and rinsing his bowl under the tap.

“How did you find out? It was supposed to be a surprise,” Even said, so quietly Isak almost didn’t hear him over the water.

He frowned, turned off the tap and dropped the bowl into the sink, going back to the table.

“You have a file on your laptop called ‘The Epic Summer of Fun - Ideas to Cheer up Isak’. Great name by the way, I really think-”

But when he took in Even’s face he looked so upset that Isak felt guilty, he had only meant to tease him, not upset him. He moved his chair closer.

“Hey no, relax I didn’t read it. Just number one. I closed it once I knew what it was. I just wanted to seem clever. I’m sorry Even,” he said, he grabbed Even’s hand and squeezed it.

“It’s ok. You really didn’t read it?”

“I promise I didn’t,” Isak said.

Even nodded, but there was still a slight frown on his face.

“It _is_ a great name,” he said, finally.

Isak shrugged.

“It’s descriptive, and to the point Isak,” he argued.

“That’s true. It’s not really like you to be to the point though is it?” Isak asked, smiling now that Even was.

Even took his hand back and started flicking cereal crumbs at him. Moment over. Isak punched him on the shoulder.

“You want your present now?”

“If I must,” Isak said.

“Oh my god, would it kill you to show some enthusiasm?”

“Probably.”

Even laughed loudly and reached into his rucksack, pulling out the gift. Isak took the envelope first and opened it.

Even had made the card, on the front it read “Happy Birthday to the grumpiest boy in the universe”. Underneath was a little drawing of what Isak assumed to himself. In the drawing he was standing on top of a planet, scowling, arms crossed, surrounded by stars and planets.

“You’re such a dick,” he muttered.

Inside the card read:

_Dear Isak,_

_Happy Birthday to my best friend in the universe, in all your universes. I know you don’t like your birthday. I know it makes you sad, but if you’ll let me I’ll try to make today a happy day._

_Love_

_Even_

_PS. I know you said you didn’t want a present so please don’t be mad I got you one_

_PS 2. No wait that's a console. I can’t remember how it’s written. Anyway 2nd PS. I don’t really think you’re even that grumpy. Deep down you’re just a big softy. Deep deep down._

_Love Even again._

“It’s PPS,” Isak said, running his fingers over the writing. “Thank you,”

He reached for his present, it felt solid and heavy. Isak ripped off the sparkly green wrapping paper. It was a book, it was _the_ book _,_ _An Infinite Number_. It was about the possibilities and chances of parallel universes and the theories behind them. Isak had wanted his own copy of it for over a year. He’d borrowed it from the library countless times. He’d gone on and on about it to Even, who didn’t get why he couldn’t just download a copy. Isak had countered with the argument, why couldn't Even just download copies of his pretentious movies instead of filling his room with stacks of DVDs. He seemed to get it.

“Even,” he said, voice choked.

He couldn’t speak.

“Please don’t argue, you deserve nice things ok?”

“But… thank you Even,” he whispered.

Even beamed at him. Isak looked down at the book, running his fingers over the shiny hardcover. He didn’t want to open it.

“We have about twenty minutes if you wanted to give it a quick read,” Even suggested.

Isak stood up and clutched the book tightly to his chest. He knew it was going to become one of his most treasured possessions. In part, because it was his favourite book, but mostly because it was from Even.

“This isn’t one of your dumb kid’s books, this is an in-depth study on the multiverse theory. I can’t just give it a quick skim. I’m going to read it tonight,” he said.

“The whole thing?” Even asked.

“Until I fall asleep,” Isak said

“So the whole thing then? Seeing as you never sleep.”

“Look you can wait here, I’ll just shower and get ready, and then we can head to the museum,” he said.

Even smiled and nodded at him.

When he came back down, Even had finished the dishes, wiped round the kitchen, and made them a packed lunch because that was just who Even was. Isak shook his head fondly.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Let's go,” Even said, before placing his hands on Isak’s shoulders and pushing him toward the door.

~~~

They took the tram across town to the museum. They had to stand because it was packed with people. Which was all Even’s fault because they’d left so early. Isak had told Even as much but Even had just laughed at him. He was stood pressed against Even in the small space they’d squeezed into by the luggage racks. Isak against the window, Even between him and the crowd.

“You ok?” Even asked, after a few minutes of silence.

“Mmm,” Isak shrugged.

“Still tired?”

Even peered down at him, worried. He seemed to constantly look like that around Isak. Isak couldn’t really help it. Things were tough and as much as he tried to hide it from everyone, Even always saw right through him.

“Nah I’m ok, I am excited really,” Isak insisted

“Just quiet then?”

Still Even also seemed to know not to push him, which Isak was grateful for. They both knew things were a bit shit at home for Isak, and that there was little either of them could do to improve the situation.

“Yeah.”

“That’s ok. I’ll be loud and you’ll be quiet. Just like always. And _I_ am excited,” Even said, rocking on his heels.

“It’s not really your thing though? All this nerdy stuff,” Isak said, gesturing with the brochure Even had given him.

“I suppose, but if you’re having fun, then I’ll have fun,” he shrugged. “Here we are!”

“Ok then,” Isak said.

He let Even pull him off the tram, still shielding him from the crowds of people. He was always pulling Isak about. Always desperate to get somewhere or see something, but not willing to leave Isak behind. Isak always went along with him.

“Even slow down,” Isak moaned.

He was struggling to keep up because Even was a lot faster than him with his long legs. Plus his multitudes of endless energy. Even just laughed and pulled him harder.

“C’mon Isak, keep up.”

Once inside the museum Even slowed down, switched with Isak and let him pull him around instead. So that he could look at whatever he wanted to see. Isak had been to the museum a few times, with his father and with school. But he had never been with Even, so he took the time to show him a few of his favourite exhibits before the lecture.

He led Even to the History of Medicine exhibit. After space and astronomy, medicine and biology were his favourite topics. He found them fascinating too. Well if he was honest he found most of science fascinating but he had his favourites. He stopped in front of a glass case showing the evolution of medical devices over the centuries.

Isak pointed at an inhaler.

“Did you know in the middle ages people used to think swallowing a frog would cure asthma?”

“What? No, they didn’t! Live or dead?”

“I er… I don’t know, but it’s true I read it somewhere.”

“Did it work?”

“Well, what do you think? See many asthmatic kids swallowing frogs in school?”

Even's laughter was loud in the quiet room.

“Can you imagine the PE lessons, all those breathless kids chasing after all those frogs?”

Isak grinned back at him, it did paint a funny image.

“What else then?”

“Over here, see the hooks? I think they're for tonsillitis,” he said tapping on the glass.

“Ok?

“Yeah, they’d shove them down their throats and pull out the tonsils,” Isak explained.

“Shut up!”

“No actually…” Isak leant closer to the display to read the little card. “Yeah no that's pretty much it.”

“Wow gross! And is that how it’s written on the card?”

“I’m simplifying it for you, you’re not scientifically minded remember?”

“Rude,” Even shoved him, but Isak shoved back.

“Just telling it how it is, you’re smart at other things I suppose.”

“Like what?”

“Well er… you managed to tie your own shoes this morning, I know that’s a struggle-”

Even laughed and shoved him again. Isak retaliated by surging forward and tickling him. Even grabbed him, wrapping his arms around his waist and lifting him slightly as he tickled him back.

“Shit!” Isak squealed, trying to wriggle away.

“Take it back!”

“Never!”

“I’m gonna-"

“Boys this is a museum! There are children around! Mind your language! And cut out the roughhousing!”

A security guard was standing in front of them, looking angry, arms folded, a stern frown on his face. Isak flushed red, but Even laughed, putting him down again.

“Sorry sir,” Isak said.

The guard nodded.

“Just keep it down, remember this is a museum, not a playground,” he said.

“Yes sir,” Isak said, feeling flustered.

He could feel the heat in his cheeks and stared down at his feet until the guard retreated.

“Ha your face! You’re all red! You get so embarrassed.”

Even was still laughing at him. At least he found it all very amusing.

“Shut up,” Isak muttered.

Even just dragged him over to another display.

“Are you sure you’re not bored?” Isak asked as they walked around.

“I promise you I’m not Isak, are you worried my non-scientific brain can’t handle all this?”

“Funny,” Isak said.

“You _are_ the rudest person I know,” Even said, but he was smiling so he didn’t mean it or at least didn't think it was a bad thing.

“Even I don’t think you’re stupid,” Isak said.

It suddenly felt important to clarify this with Even. He couldn’t stand the idea of Even thinking otherwise.

“Hm?”

“I don’t think you’re stupid, it’s important that you know that. You're one of the smartest people I know.”

Isak was starting to ramble now.

“I’m touched Isak,” Even said.

“Even please I’m being serious,” he insisted.

Even nodded and placed an arm around his shoulders.

“I know you were teasing, Isak, don’t worry. You worry too much,” he said, voice soft, gentle.

Isak did worry about this a lot. That people wouldn’t get when he was teasing or making jokes, no matter how many times Even reassured him.

“Ok,” he said.

“Shall we go to the lecture hall? It’ll be starting soon, and I am so pumped to learn about planets.”

“The Multiverse theory Even, god!”

“Are there not planets in these multiple universes?”

“Even!”

He led Even up to the auditorium, and they took seats near the back. The room was quite full already, so the lecture was going to be popular. The guest lecturer was a professor who had come all the way from America. He was one of the world’s experts on the theory of parallel universes. Isak was excited.

The lights dimmed and the chatter around the room dwindled. Even leant over to whisper in his ear.

“Are you sure you can see from here?”

Isak frowned.

“What?”

“You’re so little, can you see over the seats?”

“Fuck off!” Isak hissed, shoving at him.

“Careful, you’ll get us kicked out,” Even warned.

Isak went silent but scowled at him. Even looked like he wanted to continue to tease him but the professor walked onto the stage and began his introductions.

Isak was fascinated, right from the start, leaning forward in his seat, face rapt with attention.

After a while, he realised Even was looking at him, not the professor.

“Pay attention Even,” he whispered.

Even looked back to the front, but then back to Isak. Isak was too focussed to tell him off again.

“I’m more interested in watching you enjoy your present,” Even said after a while.

“Ok,” Isak whispered, cheeks heating at the attention.

~~~

It had been a great day. They’d spent all day at the museum, even though Even couldn’t have found it nearly as fun as Isak did. He’d happily wandered around the museum, following him to all the exhibits. Now they were back at Isak’s house, in his garden because the house itself was too quiet. Isak didn’t want to spoil that contented feeling that he’d had all day. He knew it would go soon enough, it would be taken with Even as soon as he left, but for now, he would revel in it.

He was sitting on the grass, with his back against the wall of the house, and watching Even flit around the garden. That boy would never sit still, he was currently inspecting the tree at the end of the garden, frowning. Isak watched him curiously, following as his fingers traced over the bark. Then in a flash Even turned around and rushed toward the house, and went in through the kitchen door. Isak pushed himself up, to follow Even into the house, but he was lethargic and slow after the day of exploring. By the time he was standing Even was back outside, and he was holding a knife. Isak’s eyes widened.

“Relax I’m not going to stab you. Let’s carve our initials into the tree,” he said.

“Really?” Isak said, rolling his eyes. But he followed Even to the tree, and watched him carve a shaky E B N into the bark, he added the + and then handed the knife to Isak. Isak tried to carve his own initials, it was harder than it looked.

“Your handwriting is even messy like this,” Even joked.

“Fuck off!” Isak exclaimed, finishing the V. It was a little wobbly but not too bad.

Even took back the knife and looked at it, pondering something. “All your knives are still hidden away,” he murmured.

Isak just shrugged, “You found it.”

Even was tall enough to reach the boxes that his father had placed on top of the kitchen cupboards. Out of the reach of his mother. He’d tried to take them down when they’d moved his mother to the hospital, but Isak had put them back. When his father had asked, he’d said it was just in case, in case his father changed his mind and let her come home.

Even sat down against the tree, under their initials. He patted the ground next to him, Isak sat down heavily beside him, leaning against him. With his other hand, Even stuck the knife into the ground.

“Even!” Isak said, scandalised.

“Saw someone do that in a movie once, don’t worry I’ll clean it,” he said.

“You’re such a weirdo!”

Even just laughed.

“Thank you for today, I know what you’re trying to do by the way,” Isak said.

“And what’s that?”

“Trying to distract me from the fact my family has fallen apart,” he said.

“Is it working?”

“No not really, I mean I guess in a way it’s nice to be out of the house and stuff. But she’s been in that place six months already, so what’s the point? I’m already used to it, a distraction won’t help.”

He supposed he wasn’t being fair, Even’s distraction had worked. After all he hadn’t thought about his family situation once that day.

“Yeah but now it’s summer, so you should’ve been at home and stuff. I just didn't want you dwelling on that, sitting here in the empty house without your mamma,” Even explained.

“No I wouldn’t though,” Isak said, standing up again, balling his fists. “I would’ve been at stupid church because pappa never let me stay home with her. After school clubs, sleepovers, I think I’ve spent more of my life out of that house than in it.”

“I think he was trying to protect you-”

“From what? I’m not a child! I know my mamma is sick Even!”

“Well, maybe he thought she’d hurt you.”

Even was whispering now. Isak froze, he’d never talked about this stuff with Even but he knew he had his suspicions. Isak couldn’t turn around and face him yet.

“Isak.”

All trace of casualness was gone from his voice.

“That’s just dumb,” he choked, still refusing to look at him.

It wasn’t what Even was thinking either, he didn’t tell him because he didn’t want Even blowing it all out of proportion. Like his father had. He’d been afraid that someone would misunderstand and take his mother away. So he kept his home life secret. It didn’t exactly work out. She was gone now and Isak was tired of keeping secrets.

“Isak?”

“She just gets confused sometimes Even, ok, I know she never meant to and I’m fine!”

“Ok,” he said.

He didn’t believe him though.

“It was just once when she was really bad, she didn’t know it was me, she didn’t mean to Even, she didn’t mean too," Isak insisted.

“No I'm sure she didn’t, your mamma loves you, she’s just not well. But Isak it’s not an excuse-”

“No wait it’s not it’s not what you’re thinking,” he said.

Even waited for him to continue. Isak was struggling to explain this in a way that didn’t make his mamma look like a bad mother.

“You think she hit me or something,” he continued.

“Didn’t she?”

“No god no!”

He knew why Even thought this, where Even’s suspicions came from. The time he showed up to the church with a bruise on his face, across his cheek, but it was only that one time. Maybe Even suspected he had other bruises. He didn’t.

“It was once,” he repeated. “Mamma was upset, she didn’t know who I was, couldn’t recognise me. Pappa was late home, but I was trying to help, I can usually calm her down, but this was a lot. She was more upset than usual...”

“What happened?”

“I was scared that she was going to get hurt. So I grabbed her arms, but maybe a bit too tight. I was so scared, but she didn’t know... she didn’t know who I was. To her, I was just a stranger grabbing her,” Isak explained.

“What did she do?”

Isak didn’t like the look on Even’s face like he was waiting for Isak to confess. This was why he never talked about this stuff, from the outside it did look bad. Even didn’t have to live it so it wouldn’t make sense to him. He didn’t know how to make him understand.

“She just... when she was pulling free she caught my face, that’s all, it didn’t even hurt really. It was a complete accident. She ran off and locked herself in her room, then pappa came home. You know what he said? He said when she gets like this, you need to lock yourself in your room, to keep safe,” Isak said.

“Well-”

“No Even, it was an accident. She didn’t mean to hurt me and god when she was better again, she was horrified at herself. I wish, I wish the bruise had faded before she came back to herself, so she would never have to know.

“I was never scared of her, I was scared for her. Do you understand?”

Even was quiet for a moment, trying to process what he’d been told, against what he’d believed for a while.

“I do,” he said.

“Do you think she’s going to forget about me?” Isak whispered.

“Oh Isak,” Even said, pulling him back down and into a hug, “of course she won’t, come on Isak-”

“But I’m only able to visit once a week. Once! Two hours every Saturday, as if that’s enough!”

Isak felt his eyes itching, he was getting frustrated now, close to tears.

“And you know how much trouble she has remembering things,” he continued.

“She’s your mamma Isak,” Even said.

“You know sometimes I just wish she were normal, a proper mum, y’know? All I ever wanted is a normal family,” Isak said.

He didn’t mean that, of course he didn't. All he wanted was his family to be together, but it would’ve have been easier if his mother were better.

“Ok one no family is normal, and two she is your mamma Isak, she is, and she loves you, that’s all that matters.”

“Ok,” Isak said, leaning his head on Even’s shoulder.

“Tired?”

“A little,” Isak admitted.

A week of almost no sleep would do that. His eyes felt sore and achy, his limbs heavy.

“Let’s just sit here a while then.

Isak let himself drift a little, not quite sleeping but just being quiet with Even. Listening to their breathing. After a while Even spoke again.

“I’m going to make sure this is the best summer ever,” he promised. “Not to cheer you up, but just because you deserve it.”

“Sure Even,” Isak said.

“You don’t believe me?”

Isak looked at him.

“I believe you.”

“Even and Isak’s Summer of Epicness!”

“You are so lame Even!”

“I think you mean so cool Isak,” Even argued.

“Do you have to go?”

“Yeah in a minute,” he said.

Isak stood, and held out a hand to pull Even up, they walked back into the house together,

“See you in the morning then,” Even said.

“Please be later,” Isak said.

“Ok ok. I was just excited this morning, I’ll make sure I’m not at your house before 8.20 tomorrow.”

“Even no!”

“Ok nine, but we can’t be later than nine Isak, it’s important,” Even said.

He put on his shoes and turned to face Isak, leaning against the wall.

“What will we be doing?” Isak asked.

“Let me surprise you?”

Isak frowned.

“Trust me?" Even asked.

“Ok,” Isak said.

Isak showed Even out of the house and then headed to his room.

~~~

With Even gone the house was too quiet, so he put on his TV just for some noise. He laid on his bed, tired, but not tired enough to sleep. Around eight he heard the door slam as his father returned home from work.

“Isak, are you here?” He called out.

Isak could hear him shuffling around in the hall downstairs. He sighed but got off his bed and headed downstairs. He found his dad waiting in the hallway, hanging up his jacket.

“Ah hi Isak,” he said, turning to face him. “How was your day with Even?”

Isak frowned, something was up with him. He seemed… nervous?

“Yeah, we had fun, so… I’m kinda tired” Isak said, shrugging and walking back toward the stairs.

He was still feeling uncomfortable around his father. Things had been tense between them since his mother was sent to the facility, and Isak didn’t know how to fix it. And most of the time he didn’t want too, the anger was still there, for his father giving up on his mother like that.

“No can you stay down here a moment Isak?”

“I already ate with Even,” Isak said.

“Yes but I need to talk to you,” his father insisted.

“Fine, what’s up?”

Isak was too tired for this. He was not in the mood for a lengthy conversation.

“Let’s go into the living room. Yes, I think that would be best.”

He was wringing his hands now, he seemed very stressed. So much for the stress-free life sending his mother away was supposed to bring, Isak thought to himself bitterly. He sat down on the threadbare sofa and looked up at his father, waiting for him to explain this strange behaviour.

“Well?” he prompted when his father made no move to continue the conversation.

He was pacing now, in front of the television. What on earth was going on? Now Isak was starting to catch his father’s nerves. Something bad was going to happen. This was how his father had behaved when he broke the news to Isak that he’d sent his mother away. He just came home one day after school and she was gone. Shipped off to a residential facility two towns over. Isak only allowed to visit with his father, which meant he could only see his mother on Saturdays two till four. This was not going to be good news.

“I’ve been offered a new job at work, a promotion of sorts, so it will mean more money,” he explained.

Isak stared at him. That wasn’t too bad he supposed, maybe he would have to work more hours or something. Perhaps he was feeling guilty about. Isak wasn’t really fussed, he didn’t need his father around anyway.

“Er, congratulations I guess…” Isak offered.

“Thank you Isak,” his father said.

He nodded absentmindedly, he didn’t seem finished.

Isak frowned, something was definitely up. He just had this feeling. Like this was one of those moments, before everything changed. Like the day before his grandmother had died. She’d called on the house phone and there had been something off in the way she’d been speaking. Or when his mamma had dragged him to church that first Sunday. Straight away he’d felt something was wrong, and he’d been right. His mamma had deteriorated quickly after that.

There had been good moments too, when he’d been assigned a seat next to Jonas in year two. Or when he’d met Even at summer club. Those moments had changed his life for the better. This was not going to be one of those moments. This was going to be one of the bad ones

“What... what’s the catch pappa?” he asked. He didn’t dare look up at him, focussing instead on a thread he’d pulled loose from the sofa cushion.

“It’s in Bergen,” his father said.

Isak didn’t reply to that, he stood up and walked out of the room. His father called after him, but he ignored him. If he tried to speak, tried to talk, tried to argue with him he would end up screaming. So he walked up the stairs to his room, didn’t even slam his door, he closed it to, and fell onto his bed.

He didn’t scream, didn’t cry, he laid there, staring up at the ceiling. How was any of this fair? He didn’t want to move to Bergen. What the fuck was in Bergen? Oh god, he would have to leave Even. And Jonas. And what about his mother? Pappa hadn’t even mentioned that, would she be moving with them? She’d only just started to settle down. As much as Isak hated to admit it, as much as he wished she could’ve just stayed home with him, he knew she was starting to improve.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, him laying there, staring at the ceiling when there was a knock at the door.

“Isak can I come in?” his father asked.

The door opened and his father stood there hovering in the doorway. Isak didn't look at him, continuing to stare at the ceiling resolutely.

“I’m not going,” he said.

“Look Isak I know this is not ideal-”

“Not ideal! Not ideal! Understatement of the fucking century! Why do you even need a promotion? Why can’t you just be happy with your stupid boring job and then we could stay here. This is our home pappa,” he said.

“Not for much longer Isak. I need the money from this promotion, your mother’s care is expensive and only so much of it is covered. When we bought this house we were both working but since she got sick she hasn’t been able to-”

“It’s not her fault,” Isak snapped.

“I know that Isak but we can’t keep going on this and we’re living on a single income now,” his father said, trying to explain.

“Well then let her come home, then you wouldn’t have to cover the medical bills,” Isak suggested.

“You know I can't do that Isak, it wouldn’t be fair on her,” his father said.

“But-”

“And even if I did it still wouldn’t be enough, we’ve been struggling a long time. Isak I want to be able to support you, I don’t you missing out on things. I want to be able to provide for you, and for your mother. This job is the only way I can do that.”

Isak hated that he understood where his father was coming from. Hated it. None of this was fair.

“Then let me stay here,” he begged.

“I have to sell the house Isak,” he said.

“No I mean in Oslo, let me- let me stay with Even! I’ve practically spent the last four years there anyway! Pappa, all my friends are here, everyone I know, I can’t make new friends, you know I can’t it’s too hard!”

“Isak that’s... I get it I do but…”

Isak looked at him, he looked so old and he knew he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t let him go to Bergen alone.

“What about Mamma? Is she coming with us?”

“No, but we’ll visit of course,” he said.

“Oh my god, you want to leave her behind!”

“No Isak don't be stupid! I’m not leaving her behind but she’s settled now it would be foolish to move her. She’s doing so well there. Isak this is not a decision I’ve made on a whim. I’ve been deliberating over this for weeks, but I really don’t see another option, believe me if we could stay we would.”

“Get out,” Isak said.

He didn’t yell like he wanted to. He felt exhausted.

“Isak-”

“Please get out I can’t stand it, I can’t stand you right now.”

He left.

 **Even Bech Naesheim**  
_Meet me at the park, under the trees_

_Now? It’s almost ten. Everything ok?_

_Isak?_

_Isak?_

_Ok I’m on my way, forty minutes tops_

Isak grabbed his jacket and headed downstairs. As soon as he reached the hallway his father came rushing out of the living room.

“Isak look-”

“I’m going out.”

“Isak it’s almost ten, you can’t be out-”

“I have to tell Even and I’m not doing it over the phone,” Isak said, turning away from him, toward the door.

“Isak.”

He refused to face him.

“Let me go, I’ll be back in a few hours, not that you actually care,” he muttered.

“Isak, I do care I do, all… everything I do is for you and your mother.”

Isak slipped on his shoes and walked out the door. The park was by his house anyway, it’s not like he was going far. His pappa probably suspected that’s where he was headed, but he didn’t clarify that. He wanted him to worry about him for once.  He crossed the road and headed through the green toward the grove of trees and sat down to wait for Even.

Even lived about three miles away, halfway between Isak’s house and the church hall where they met. It didn’t seem long before he heard a noise. He looked up to see Even cycling toward him, pedalling as fast as he could. Shit, Isak hadn’t meant to scare him. He stood up and rushed toward him.

“Even! Even! I’m here, slow down, I’m sorry for scaring you,” Isak whispered.

Even threw his bike to the ground and pulled Isak towards him. He looked him over, eyes wide, as he tried to catch his breath.

“Shit Isak, what's going on?”

“It’s all gone to hell,” Isak said.

“Isak you’re scaring me, please what's going on?”

“I’m moving away,” he confessed.

Even’s face fell, his fear replaced with devastation. Isak didn’t feel much better.

“What? Where?”

“To Bergen.”

“No Isak you can’t!”

Even grabbed his shoulders, as if he could physically keep him here. Isak threw him off.

“Do you think I want to?”

He pushed at Even’s chest, but Even grabbed his hands and held them in place, held him close.

“When are you going?” He asked.

“I don’t even know, Pappa wants to start a new life and he’s dragging me with him.”

“Isak…” Even led them to the trees and sat down, pulling Isak down beside him.

He tried to put his arm round Isak but he shrugged him off. He was too tense, too jittery.

“It’s money stuff, mamma’s expensive, I’m expensive, he’s been struggling for a while. He is always working.”

“But can’t you stay here though? Let him go without you?” Even suggested.

Isak hated how hopeful he sounded.

“He has to sell the house,” Isak explained.

“Ok but you could stay with me, my mamma wouldn’t mind I know she wouldn’t, and you could visit your pappa all the time.”

“I wish I could Even, I wish I could.”

“But…”

“But I don’t think I can let him go to Bergen alone,” he said.

And he knew it was true, he was angry with his father, furious, but deep down he understood his father’s reasoning. He knew why they had to move. He hated it, but he didn’t hate his father and he couldn’t leave him alone, even if it meant leaving Even. Even had his family, had other friends, but with his mother in the hospital, Isak was all his father had.

Even didn’t respond, seemed to accept it. It didn’t make it any easier. Isak wished he would fight, get angry. Isak was angry. So angry.

“So much for an epic summer,” Isak said bitterly. “This was supposed to be the best summer ever,” he whispered.

“It still can be,” Even said.

“How can it be?” Isak choked.

He was crying now, silent tears streaming down her face.

“We’ll make it so,” Even promised.

Even held his hand out and Isak took it, lacing their fingers together. This was what they did when the other was upset or needed comfort. Isak loved hugs and cuddles don’t get him wrong, but sometimes he got too overwhelmed for them to calm him down. This was what they did in those moments.

They’d done it since that first year he’d known Even. One evening when his mother was particularly bad, and nothing his father did seemed to calm her down. She’d smashed up the kitchen, the living room, but it was all the noise and screaming that got to Isak. The ranting was what made his skin crawl, and he’d ran out of the house, ran all the way to Even’s apartment. Even had let him in, terrified at the state he was in but taking him inside anyway, past his worried parents, to his room.

He’d tried to hug Isak but it was too much, he was too wired and couldn’t calm down. Kept pushing him away and trying to catch his breath. So Even had led him to the corner of the room, sat down with him and laced their fingers together. Squeezing tightly, so tightly, until Isak’s breathing had finally slowed down and he was able to let Even pull him into his arms.

It was different for Even. When Isak got overwhelmed, it was angry, energetic, compared to his normal quiet nature. For Even he mostly got quiet and sad, and Isak had to bring him back, to his usual animated self. It's what they always did for each other.

Finally, Isak leant against him and Even wrapped his arms tighter around him. They stayed like that until it was too cold to stay outdoors, and they started to shiver. Even pulled Isak up and they walked back to Isak’s house, not letting go of each other.

Terje was waiting for them, obviously distressed.

“Isak you've been gone hours, where have you been? I've been worried sick!”

“We’re going to bed,” Isak said.

Isak made his way to the stairs, Even following close behind.

“Isak please,” his father said.

“We were in the park, ok? I just needed to get out for a while.”

“Please don’t do that again Isak. I was worried, you left your phone, anything could’ve happened.”

“It didn’t. I was with Even I was fine," he argued.

“Isak you are fourteen you can't-”

But Isak swayed on his feet, the days of almost no sleep were catching up with him. His body was exhausted. Even reached forward and wrapped an arm around him to support him.

“Isak?” Even was concerned.

“Tired… I’m… I can’t…”

Isak was drifting, he could barely hold himself up. His eyes kept closing, but he didn’t miss the worried look Even and his father exchanged.

“I’m going to get him to bed, I’m going to stay over if that's ok?” Even checked.

“Ok Even ok. Let your mother know please,” Terje said.

“Will do.”

“Good night Isak.”

Even shook his head, when Isak didn’t speak, and Terje nodded sadly. Even led him upstairs.

Isak collapsed on his bed fully dressed, he was completely exhausted. Drained of energy. Even managed to help him get his jumper off, so he didn’t get too hot in the night, but left him in his joggers and t-shirt. He pulled the covers from underneath Isak, as gently as he could, and tucked him in bed.

“Will you stay?” Isak whispered.

“Of course, I’m just going to change ok?”

Isak couldn’t even open his eyes, even the soft light from the lamp was making them ache. He could hear Even going through his drawers, finding something to sleep in. He had plenty of clothes at Isak’s and Isak had plenty at his. A few moments later he felt the bed dip and Even climb in beside him.

“Isak?”

“Mm?”

“You scared me, I thought you were going to pass out.”

“I think maybe I fell asleep?”

“That's not good. We need to sort out your sleep,” Even said.

“It’s not-”

“Sleep now ok? We’ll talk about it later,”

“Ok”

They were quiet for a while, Isak was so close to sleep, right on the edge. He could feel himself drifting, as he listened to Even's breathing. It was comforting but he still couldn’t sleep.

“I don’t want to leave you,” he whispered finally.

And for once Even didn’t have anything comforting to say. He just held him tightly, as if he hoped it was enough to keep him there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on tumblr [@youmustbestrongernow](http://www.youmustbestrongernow.tumblr.com) although I currently don't post anything yet, but I might post start posting updates to where I am with writing etc.


	3. three and before - part ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I have had a bit of a week. I’ve been ill, had stress at work, family stress, and had to have dental work, which was not fun. But I did manage to get this done anyway, it did help that it was half written before the week started. I also keep getting distracted and writing further ahead, but at least that will be easier to write now when I do get to it.

It was hot, not ridiculously so but still, Isak was uncomfortable. He was sweating, even in his shorts and t-shirt. They were at the park again, they’d been spending a lot of time there when they weren’t on one of Even’s expeditions. Somedays Even just seemed to sense that Isak wasn’t up to it, and they just spent the day chilling and chatting either in the park by his house, or in the back garden. 

Jonas was with them today, sitting on Isak’s other side. He’d already taken his shirt off, apparently needing to work on his tan for the hot chicks in Portugal. He was going on vacation with his parents and sister tomorrow, so this was the last time Isak would see him for a while. It was a goodbye of sorts.

Isak was sitting in between Even and Jonas, out in the middle of the park instead of under the trees where he’d prefer to be. They’d started off people watching but now both Even and Jonas were laying down staring at the sky instead. 

Jonas and Even didn’t dislike each other exactly, but they weren’t close the way Isak was with either boy. During school time Isak spent a lot of his time with Jonas, hanging out after school and on weekends. And Even would join them sometimes, or he’d go off with Even instead. Even had his own school friends, that he hung out with during term time. But in the summer it was just Even, all day every day. They had always said it was their time. 

Jonas didn’t seem particularly bothered by this arrangement, he often had a lot of family commitments in the summer anyway. He was chill, he knew Isak could have both of them as best friends. 

Jonas was Isak’s oldest friend, they’d known each other since his second year of school when thanks to their surnames they’d been sat together by their teacher. They’d been friends since that day, Jonas was the first person to get Isak’s little quirks, and Isak had held on to him, following him everywhere. For some reason Isak still couldn’t fathom, Jonas had tolerated him, allowed Isak to follow him around like a silent shadow for a month before he even spoke to him. Before he met Even, Jonas was the easiest person to talk to outside of his parents.

“Man I can’t believe you’re leaving,” Jonas said.

He was laid back, arms folded under his head, relaxing under the sun. Isak leant back on his elbows and turned to look at him. His sunglasses were perched on his nose and he looked every bit as cool as Isak wasn’t. 

“Yeah it sucks,” Isak agreed.

He shivered, Even was silent beside him, tracing his fingers over Isak’s arms, doodling invisible images. He could tell Jonas was watching them behind his sunglasses. Jonas had observed it the very first time he’d met Even, how tactile Isak was around him like he wasn’t around anyone else.  He’d commented on it once Even had left, about how touchy-feely they were. How it was surprising because Isak wouldn’t even hug him most of the time. 

Jonas had reassured Isak that it wasn’t a bad thing, that it was good the way Even had brought him out of his shell. That everyone needed someone they felt comfortable around, and if Even was that person for Isak then that was ok.

“That’s an understatement. We were gonna go to high school together, and now here you are off to Bergen. I bet the schools there suck,” he said.

“I don’t  _ want _ to go Jonas,” Isak said.

Even was frowning at the pair of them, probably sensing that Isak was about to get upset. His hand tightened on Isak’s arm and he opened his mouth but Jonas spoke first.

“No yeah I get it I do. You don’t have a choice here,” he said, “But you’re going to keep in touch right?” he asked.

“Yeah of course. I’ll try anyway, shouldn’t be too hard we’re all online right?”

Jonas sat up and took off his sunglasses, peering at Isak.

“Isak that doesn’t sound convincing,” he said.

“I’ll try Jonas I really will,” Isak insisted.

“I expect daily phone calls,” Jonas joked.

Even sat up now, so he was taller than both of them again.

“Isak hates talking on the phone,” Even murmured.

He never used to, before he got his mobile he would happily ring Jonas or Even on the house phone, in his parent’s hallway. He didn’t know what had changed.

“You're so weird sometimes Isak,” Jonas said.

He didn’t mean it, didn't mean to be mean, he was just teasing but Isak still sighed. He  _ was _ weird, he knew that better than anyone.

“It makes me feel sick,” Isak explained.

“It’s probably like anxiety or something” Even said.

His voice was a touch stern, and he was looking at Jonas, not exactly glaring, but not far from it either. This was why Jonas and Even would never be the best of friends, Isak supposed. Even didn’t like some of the jokes and teasing from Jonas, although it didn’t bother Isak really. Even didn’t see that Jonas was like that with everyone and that he was only trying to help. He knew when to stop. Jonas thought Even was too uptight and a little too overprotective of Isak. Which Isak thought was amusing, because he felt both of them could be overprotective with him, and he didn’t even need protecting.

“Ok so how are you going to keep in touch then, write letters?” Jonas suggested.

“Texts and emails probably, that’s easy enough,” Isak said.

“Ok then. I want one email a week minimum, but feel free to send more.”

“I really will try,” Isak insisted.

“And I want a ten texts an hour, plus daily emails, and weekly letters,” Even joked.

“Even!” Isak loved Even, but that sounded exhausting.

Even and Jonas were his best friends but he didn’t even text them that much, and he was really bad at remembering to reply. He was always happy to talk to them when he was with them, which terrified him because now he wasn’t going to see them for a really long time. They’d probably get sick and tired of him once he forgot to reply for the fifth or sixth time in a row.

“Just kidding, whatever you can manage,” Even said.

Jonas and Even both nodded, they both got how it was, how Isak sometimes found communicating exhausting. And with all the upheaval and disruption moving and switching schools was going to cause, Isak was not going to be in a good place for a while. They exchanged a worried glance across him. Isak frowned.

“I’ll try, I promise,” he repeated.

Even grabbed his phone.

“Oh my mamma just text me, I’ve got to head home,” he said, standing up.

“What, why?” Isak asked.

“She needs... uh... help. With her new computer. Yeah, I said I’d set it up,” Even explained.

“You are such a shit liar!”

Even was making that up, he really was a terrible liar. His mother was great with computers. He was leaving Isak to do his goodbyes with Jonas. Isak appreciated this, so they waved him off.

“Bye Even,” he said.

“Bye guys! Isak come over for dinner later yeah?”

“Yeah ok, see you tonight,” Isak said.

They watched him leave, and then Jonas turned to Isak.

“Are we gonna stay here all day?”

“Uh no we don’t have to, I guess we could do something,” Isak said hesitantly.

“Let’s go to the skate park,” Jonas said, shrugging on his shirt.

“Ugh!”

Jonas loved the skate park and hanging out with all the other skater kids. Isak didn’t mind tagging along to watch after school sometimes, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to spend his last day with Jonas there.

“You up for it? Don’t worry, there’ll be almost nobody there if that’s what’s worrying you. It’s too hot,” Jonas said.

That was better, he didn’t mind so much if it was only him and Jonas.

“Why are we going then? If it's too hot?” Isak argued. 

“Because we’re hardcore Isak, obviously,” Jonas said.

He stood up and extended a hand to Isak, pulling him up. They walked together in comfortable silence, towards the skate park.

“Are you scared?”

“Of what your skating skills? Yeah, I’m petrified,” Isak said.

Jonas laughed.

“No dummy, are you scared about moving?”

Isak thought about it for a moment, was he scared?

“Not scared, but… unhappy? Like I’m resigned to it now. It’s happening and there’s nothing I can do about it. But I feel so sad. All the fucking time,” he said.

“Shit Isak,” Jonas said.

“I’m not scared, but worried? Is there a difference?”

“Can you explain? How you feel?” Jonas asked.

They were at the park, but Jonas didn’t get out his board just then. Instead, they sat at the edge of the bowl. Jonas had been right, there were only a couple of older kids, hanging out by the benches, smoking, boards abandoned at their feet.

“I think I’m worried about… starting a new school, new people,” Isak said.

“Yeah, you’re not the best at that huh?”

“I’m just... I’m just not good with people I don’t know why, what’s wrong with me?” Isak said.

Jonas bumped his shoulder against Isak’s.

“Nothing's wrong with you dummy, it’s just who you are. That’s ok, you know that right? Not everyone is comfortable with a lot of people. I think it’s more important you have a few good friends,” Jonas said.

“Yes but now I’m leaving you behind, you and Even, what am I going to do in Bergen? Nobody's going to want to talk to me,” Isak said.

“Why?”

“I dunno, it’s not like primary school, everyone will already have friends,” he explained.

“Hm.”

“Well? What do I do?”

Jonas shrugged, kicking his feet against the edge of the bowl.

“I don’t know, honestly,” Jonas said.

“It doesn’t matter I guess,” Isak said.

“It does matter, it does. We’re worried about you, you know,” Jonas told him.

“We?”

“Me and Even,” Jonas said.

He knew it, they’d been discussing him. He’d seen the worried glances they’d shared.

“Oh? You and Even talk without me now?” Isak asked.

“I like Even, he’d be cool, just a bit…” he trailed off.

“A bit?” Isak prompted.

“I don’t know what it is, maybe because he’s older, maybe because he’s a bit intense, he’s ok just…”

“Intense?”

“Yeah I dunno, but it works, he kind of balances you out I guess,” Jonas said.

“Because I’m not intense?”

“Exactly,” Jonas said with a nod.

“Sometimes you make no sense. But I know Even’s worried, it’s all over his face, whenever he looks at me. I just didn't realise you were too,” he said.

“It’s because I’m chill,” Jonas said. “But seriously dude, we’re both worried about you.”

“Well there’s nothing you can do,” Isak said.

Jonas nodded. He looked thoughtful for a few moments. Then he stood up.

“I’ve got it!”

“What? Got what?” 

Isak stared up at him. 

“How I can help, my parting gift to you!”

Isak stood up too, frowning at his excitement.

“I’m going to teach you to be cool,” Jonas explained. 

He was bouncing on his feet now.

“What?”

“I am the coolest kid in school am I not?”

“Debatable,” Isak shrugged.

“Rude, but I am cool and you know it. So I'm going to pass on some of my infinite coolness to you,” Jonas said.

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Isak argued.

“Nah but see I’m going to teach you to skate,” Jonas said.

Isak backed away, shaking his head.

“Nope no way, I’ll break my neck,” he said,

“Just a few tricks, then in Bergen you can head to a skate park and make some friends almost as cool as me,” Jonas said.

“Not likely when I fall flat on my face,” Isak said.

Jonas just laughed and placed the board in front of him.

“Ok step on, left foot in the middle,” Jonas instructed.

“Jonas,” Isak whined.

“Come on just a few tricks, I promise I won’t let you fall,” Jonas said.

Isak sighed heavily but gave in.

“Fine.”

Jonas held out his hands and helped Isak onto the board.

“Ok that’s it, now move your left foot forward a little and use your right foot to push.”

Isak did as he instructed and placed his right foot on the ground, still holding Jonas’ hands tightly. He pushed his foot and the board moved along, Isak wobbling as he went. Behind him the kids on the bench started laughing, Isak spun around, almost falling from the board, but Jonas held him firm. 

“Relax, they’re not laughing at you, see?”

Isak looked over, the boys were laughing at each other, fooling around pushing and shoving each other. Isak nodded.

“Try again, yeah?” 

Isak pushed off again moving forward about a foot.

“Ok now let go of me.”

“Jonas!”

“Trust me Isak.”

Isak reluctantly let go of Jonas’ hands, wobbling forward a little.

“Ok now push off again,” Jonas said.

He was standing close by. Isak hesitated but did as he instructed.

“Again and quicker,” Jonas said.

Isak did.

“Ok once more. This time once you’re moving put your foot back on the board, but put it back on the ground if you need to stop,”

Isak frowned but did as Jonas described. He began to move forward, at what felt like quite a pace but in reality was probably pretty slow. But when he put his back foot on the board it tipped, and he was thrown to the floor. Quicker than Jonas was able to move to catch him.

“Shit are you ok?” 

Jonas was touching his head, his shoulders, gently checking him over.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Isak insisted.

He allowed Jonas to pull him up.

“Try again?” 

“Ok yeah,” Isak said.

He was a little breathless, but he was having fun.

 

They spent the afternoon getting Isak comfortable on the board. He fell probably a hundred times, but by the end of the afternoon, Jonas was satisfied that he could do a basic ollie, semi-successfully. They were walking back to Jonas’ now, and then Isa would head to Even’s apartment.

“And that’s it. Now you are cool!” Jonas said, stopping to hold his fist out.

Isak bumped it and they continued.

“That’s all it takes?” he asked.

“That’s it.”

“I’m still worried,” Isak confessed.

“Then you talk to us yeah? Keep in touch, with me and Even, we’ll help as much as we can.”

“Ok,” Isak said.

They were outside Jonas’ building now.

“Shit Jonas I-”

Jonas pulled him in for a hug. They didn’t do this often. Isak squeezed him back.

“I’m gonna miss you so much Jonas,” Isak cried.

“God I’m gonna miss you. You’re my best friend you know that right? Always, no matter how far away you are, you’ll always be my best friend,” Jonas said, still clinging to him.

They hugged like that until Jonas had to go back inside.

“Are you ok getting to Even’s?”

“I’ll be fine,” Isak insisted.

“Don’t be a stranger Isak,” he said.

Isak nodded and turned away.

~~~

When he got to Even’s apartment Isak was almost in tears. He texted Even that he was outside, not feeling up to seeing Even’s parents until he’d calmed down. So Even came down to meet him at the door. He was wearing joggers and t-shirt and for some reason, his hair was swept back in a bright pink bandana. Isak frowned but he was too distracted to question it. Even took one look at him and wordlessly pulled him inside.

Isak followed him up to the apartment, and let Even lead him to his room. They sat down in the corner. 

“I- I-”

But Isak couldn’t find the words, he couldn’t explain how he was feeling.

“It’s ok Isak,” Even assured him. “Just take your time. Breathe. We have about an hour till dinner’s ready, so let’s just stay in here.”

So they sat there quietly for a while, Isak trying to calm himself down, and eventually, the panic subsided.

“Ok?” Even asked.

He’d watched Isak the whole time, and while he seemed calm, Isak could see the concern on his face.

“Yeah. I’m sorry,” Isak said.

“What for? Don’t apologise for being upset,” Even said.

“I just-”

“It’s ok to get upset, and you shouldn’t try to hide it,” Even said.

His hand was around Isak’s wrist, his thumb rubbing over his pulse point. It was comforting, calming.

“I’m just so sad Even. I don’t want to go. I really don’t want to go,” Isak said. 

He sniffed, he really didn’t want to cry again, no matter what Even said, he was tired of feeling this way.

“I know,” Even said.

But there was nothing either of them could do, the situation was hopeless. 

“Do you think you’ll ever come back?” Even asked.

“How do you mean? Pappa says I can come visit in the summer. And I’ll be back to visit Mamma in her facility, it’s closer to Oslo than Bergen, so yeah I will be back. But it’s not the same,” Isak said.

Even nodded.

“Yeah but I mean move back, properly? Like for good?” he asked.

“As soon as I turn eighteen,” Isak said.

“Nope, you’ll still be in school,” Even reminded him.

“Yeah, I guess. Nineteen then I’ll come back for university. UiO,” Isak said.

“Oh yeah, you’re pretty confident you’ll get in,” Even said.

“I’m a genius Even, they’ll be begging me to attend,” Isak joked.

Even laughed loudly, his eyes crinkled in that way they did and Isak couldn’t help but smile back.

“Does this genius want to play Fifa until dinner?”

“Oh go on then,” he said.

Even stood up and went to load up the game.

“I’ll come back for you,” Isak whispered.

Even turned around.

“Huh?”

“I’ll come back for you, as soon as I’m old enough, and I’m finished with school, I’ll come home. I’ll come back to you,” Isak promised.

Even beamed at him. 

“Ok,” he said.

He loaded the game and went and sat on his sofa, patting the seat beside him. Isak sighed and hauled himself up, before flopping down beside Even. 

Isak loved Even’s room, it was so cool. The pictures, sketches, and photos on the wall. The guitars, the big television and console set up. The shelves stacked high with DVDs. It was so much cooler than his own room. Years ago he’d also asked his father for a loft bed like Even’s but he’d said no. He did have all the pictures Even had ever drawn him hanging on his walls, he would have to pack them carefully to move them to Bergen.

Even handed him a controller.

“Nice bandana,” Isak observed.

“Thanks, it’s very me don't you think?” Even asked.

“Did you know the colour pink is not actually on the visible spectrum? It has to be mixed for you to perceive it. Like there is no pink wavelength,” Isak told him.

Even took off his bandana and looked at it before trying to put it on Isak. Isak batted his hands away and tried to wriggle free.

“I did actually know that,” Even said.

“Wait what?”

“Yep I know all about the visible spectrum and how colours work,” Even said.

Isak squinted at him, unsure.

“Really?”

Even nodded.

“Uhuh.”

“Really?” Isak repeated.

Even burst out laughing at the puzzled look on Isak’s face.

“Of course not, although I don't know how to feel about these doubts of my intelligence,” he said.

“It's not doubts,” Isak said.

“Mmm, and now look at you all relieved that you're still smarter than me!” 

“That's not it at all!” 

Even raised an eyebrow.

“No?” 

“No! I just like being the one to tell you stuff, tell you the stuff that I know that's all,” Isak explained, “like when I learn something new I just want to share it with you.”

Even stared at him, not saying anything, a slight frown on his face, like he was thinking about something serious.

“Well you can be the one to always tell me new things,” he said finally.

“Are you teasing?” Isak asked.

“Not teasing I promise,” he said, so softly.

Isak had never heard Even sound like this.

“Ok then,” he said.

“So pink suits me then?” 

Isak gave him a scrutinising look.

“Pink suits you I suppose, bandanas? Not so much,”

“Ouch! Right that's it Fifa and if I win I get to wear bandanas every day,” Even said.

“And if I win?” 

“Won't happen-” 

“If I win?” Isak insisted.

Even sighed dramatically.

“You can confiscate them I suppose,” he said.

“It's on!”

“Why were you wearing it?” Isak asked as the game loaded.

“I was doing yoga,” Even said.

“Yoga?”

“Yeah? Why do you always question me?” Even demanded.

“Why were you doing yoga?”

“Dunno read about it on the internet, supposed to help with stress,” Even said.

“What are you stressed about?”

Even shrugged, fiddling with his controller.

“Even?”

“I’m just a bit anxious I guess, about you leaving,” he admitted.

Isak nodded, there was nothing he could do about that.

 

About an hour into their competition Isak was beating Even three games to two. It was possible that Even was possibly letting him win, he didn’t usually play this badly, although he seemed distracted by something. He kept glancing down at Isak and smiling. Isak would confront him about later. Right now he had a bet to win.

They were interrupted by a soft knock at the door.

“Yeah?” Even called out.

He was sat forward on his sofa, right on the edge of the seat, mashing the buttons. Isak was down on the floor in front of him, sprawled out, still smug in his victory. Even’s mamma Anne stepped into the room. 

“Boys dinner is ready now,” she said.

She leant down and picked up the discarded plates and cups from Even’s floor. Isak stopped the game and put down his controller.

“That’s ok Anne, Even was never going to win anyway,” he said, standing up.

Even scoffed.

“I was so close mamma,” he insisted.

Isak reached out to take some of the plates.

“Let me help you with those,” he said.

Anne smiled and handed him the plates before heading out of the room. She didn’t try to stop him from helping around the house anymore, she’d learned not to question it. It was a habit for Isak, keeping things tidy and in order, it was what he did at home, and sometimes he couldn’t help doing it in other houses too. Anne understood that now. 

“Such a good boy Isak,” she said, taking the plates back from him once they reached the kitchen.

“Such a kiss-ass Isak,” Even said, under his breath.

“What was that Even?” Anne asked.

“Nothing mamma,” he said.

They sat down at the table, next to each other, chairs pushed close together.

“You’re just jealous,” Isak said, “you wish you could be as well behaved as me.”

“You are not well behaved, it’s all a lie!”

“Nonsense, Isak is the best-behaved boy I know, absolutely my favourite teenager!” Even’s pappa Tomas walked into the kitchen, winked at the boys and headed to the stove to kiss Anne on the cheek.

Isak watched them and wondered if his parents had ever been like that, he wasn’t sure. He certainly didn’t remember seeing his father be so affectionate toward his own mother. But maybe they had once before things got so stressful at home.

“What the hell? Pappa I am your son!” Even exclaimed. 

Tomas chuckled and sat down at the table beside Even.

“Hello boys,” he said, smiling at both of them. “You’re still my favourite son Even don’t worry.”

“I’m your only son,” Even reminded him.

“Enough bickering,” Anne said, placing the plates on the table

Dinner was spaghetti, Isak’s favourite. He knew what Anne was doing, just like Even she was trying to cheer him up. He didn’t mind though, he loved dinner at Even’s house. Anne would always check in with him make sure he was doing ok, something his father had gotten too busy to do, and his mother was too unaware to ask. Tomas was almost as interested in science as Isak and would pepper him with questions or suggest articles and papers for Isak to read. It really was like having a second family, that he knew he could rely on, whenever he needed them. He was going to miss them so much.

 

When dinner was finished Anne got up to do the dishes, she was always scarily efficient about keeping things tidy. Out of habit, Isak got up to help her, she didn’t shoo him away anymore.

“Oh Isak, I’m going to miss you around here so much. You’re such a good boy, not like my boys,” she said, smiling at him.

“Hey!” Even and Tomas chorused from the table.

“I’m sure they’ll help you plenty once I’m gone,” Isak assured her.

“Oh I’m sure they will,” she said.

She turned to Even and Tomas still sitting at the table 

“Otherwise I’ll tell Isak on the both of you,” she warned.

Tomas laughed loud and deep, getting up and clapping Isak on the back, before taking the soapy plate from his hands. 

“Let me take over Isak, you and Even go play,” he said.

“Go play? We’re not five,” Even said.

“Were you or were you not playing video games before dinner?” Tomas asked.

“Yes but-”

“And is that not a type of play?” Tomas asked.

“Yes but-”

“Then I fail to see the need for your backchat Even,”

Isak giggled, he couldn’t help it. He loved Even’s parents as much as his own. And he did love his own parents, truly. But there was something about being allowed to be a part of a family that didn’t have problems. Where things were quiet and calm, and everyone was happy. 

Anne smiled at him fondly, happy to see him laughing.

“What are you doing tonight boys?”

“We’re watching movies,” Even said.

“Nothing sad-”

“Nothing sad,” Even promised.

“That sounds nice boys, why don’t you go ahead? We’ve got this,” she said.

Tomas glanced at the clock.

“Isak it’s getting quite late, so you should probably just stay over,” he said.

“If that’s ok,” Isak said.

“It’s always ok, and Isak even after you move, you’ll always be welcome to come stay here. If you miss us, or if you need a break, and we definitely want you to come back for the summer,” Anne said.

“Ok thank you,” Isak said,

“Not at all, now be off with you, and let your pappa know you’re staying please,” Anne said.

The first time Isak had stayed over at Even’s back in that first summer, when he was nine, he hadn’t told his father he was going over to Even’s after the club. Even had invited him over to play video games, he was old enough and lived close enough to walk home by himself, so they left early and Isak had just followed him, the start of a habit. He’d met Anne and Tomas and they’d invited him to stay for dinner, under the assumption that Isak had told his pappa he was with a friend. But Isak didn’t have a mobile phone then and had no way of contacting him. Not that the thought had crossed his mind.

It was Sofie who called the Bech Næsheim’s house that evening after his frantic father had turned up late from work to pick Isak up and had found he’d already left. He’d almost called the police. Ten minutes later he’d shown up at Anne and Tomas’ is front door wringing his hands. But Anne had calmed him down, and Isak apologised. 

At the time he’d been too young to understand his father’s worry, after all he was with Even, he was totally safe. But his father hadn’t met Even, or Anne or Tomas, so he was right to be worried. Once the situation was resolved his father agreed to let Isak and Even have a sleepover and the tradition was formed

After that everytime, Isak stayed over they insisted he called his pappa.

“You can keep the bandanas by the way,” Isak said, as they settled on Even’s bed to watch a movie.

“How generous of you,” Even said.

“They do look cool,” Isak admitted quietly, more to himself than Even, but Even still smiled widely at him.

~~~

Four days later Isak was sitting outside his house waiting for Even. They were going off somewhere, on one of Even’s many plans. Isak didn’t know where. He didn’t really care. He was slumped against the wall of the house, just waiting. He’d been sitting there since his dad left for work at seven. He hadn’t slept and he was tired of lying in bed staring at his ceiling.

He spotted Even down the road but didn’t move yet. He felt tired and cold. His limbs ached and he didn’t even know if he could move.

“Oh! You’re up.” Even frowned at him, “Shit, Isak have you even slept?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry. Where are we going today?” 

He managed to find the energy to pull himself up, and tried to lead Even away from the house, but Even wasn’t having any of it. Instead, he tried to pull Isak back inside.

“Don’t Even, I don’t- I want to go somewhere else ok?” Isak begged.

Even was still frowning, hesitant, but he nodded. 

“You’re cold?”

“A little, don’t worry,” he said, despite the fact he was shivering now.

“I’m going to get you a jacket, then we’ll go ok? Key?”

“I’ll be too warm later,” Isak complained, but he handed the key over to Even anyway.

“Doubt it as tired as you are,” Even said quietly.

Isak watched him as he went into the house, he seemed off. Almost angry. Maybe he was just fed up with looking after Isak, dealing with all his issues. Isak got that, maybe it would be better once he left, Even wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Even came back out of the house, locked the door, and tossed a hoodie at Isak. Isak caught it and stared down at it in his hands.

“Are you… are you mad at me?” he asked quietly.

“Am I mad? What? Why would I be mad?” Even asked.

He paused by the house just staring at Isak for a moment, confusion written all over his face, before moving forward to stand in front of Isak.

“This isn’t… I’m… I know I’m difficult-”

“Don’t… don’t do that Isak,” Even said.

“But-”

“I want to spend time with you, I promise. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing, nothing at all.”

“You seemed mad,” Isak said.

“No…” Even ran his hand through his hair. “Not mad just... worried about you. I’m sorry if it seemed otherwise.”

“Ok,” Isak said.

He shivered again, he felt cold now, down to his bones, even though the day was warm. Even took the hoodie from him and pulled it over Isak’s head, smoothing it down over his arms. Rubbing them to try and warm him up. Eventually, he gave up and just pulled Isak into a hug. Finally, he felt warmer.

“How long were you sat out here?”

“A couple of hours maybe,” Isak said.

“And you didn’t text me because?”

“Didn’t want to bother you,” Isak shrugged.

Even’s arms just tightened around him briefly before he pulled back, and held Isak’s shoulders. 

“You are never bothering me, ok? Never.”

Isak nodded.

“Isak what’s going on?”

“Can we go now?” Isak asked.

He felt a little wobbly on his feet but pushed forward anyway.

“Isak?”

Isak pulled him away from the house, he had no plan of where to go, he just knew he wanted to get away. He didn’t let go of Even’s hand as they walked down the street in silence. Isak thinking, Even waiting.

“Mamma called last night,” Isak told him, finally.

“Oh?”

“She’s ok, she’s fine I just miss her that’s all,” he explained.

He’d spent hours on the phone with her the previous night, telling her all about his day with Even, and how Jonas was on holiday. In turn, she’d warned Isak of the impending rapture and the preparation steps he needed to take. But she hadn't seemed as out of it as she used to, she was able to focus on his voice and his questions. She sounded so calm, and happy to speak to him. She knew who he was and she hadn’t forgotten about him. He explained all this to Even, who listened quietly.

“Ok, thank you for telling me,” he said when Isak was done.

“S’ok. I’m probably not going to be much fun to be around today,” Isak explained.

“Do you want to go home?”

“No.”

“Then it’s ok, I’m going to cheer you up,” Even promised.

“Where are we going?”

“It’s going to be a surprise,” Even said.

“I’m really tired Even,” Isak said, he would prefer to just laze about in the park, he might even sleep with Even there.

Even nodded, swinging their arms between them.

“I know, but you can sleep on the bus, it’ll be a couple of hours,” he said.

“The bus? Even where are we going?” 

Isak started to panic, it was one thing dragging him all over Oslo, it was completely different to leave town. 

“I can’t afford tickets, I didn’t bring any money Even,” he said.

“It’s not too expensive, I have cash,” Even said.

“Even-”

“Please,” he begged.

“Where are we going?” Isak demanded.

“Will you let me surprise you?”

Isak was still unsure, he didn’t know how to feel about Even spending his money on bus tickets for them. But he nodded anyway.

When they got to the bus station Even ran off to buy tickets and then wouldn't let him see them. He made Isak wear his earphones so that he couldn’t hear the announcements. Isak probably could’ve still figured it out, but he decided not to. Decided to let Even surprise him. So he let Even push him forward onto the bus, without looking at the display, and into a seat toward the back.

“Am I allowed to look out of the window or are you going to blindfold me too?”

Even laughed. 

“You can look out of the window,” he said.

Isak did for the first fifteen minutes, still none the wiser as to where they were going, they’d left the city centre, but not gone that far yet. He had no idea how long they would be on the bus, but he felt himself getting sleepy. He tried to stay awake and listen to Even chattering away beside him. But it was too hard. He leant his head on Even’s shoulder and let himself drift off.

 

A couple of hours later Even was waking him up.

“We’re here,” Even said, shaking him slightly.

“Where’s here?” Isak said, rubbing his eyes.

He looked out of the window. Oh. They were visiting his mother. He sighed, and let Even lead him off the bus. He felt disappointed. 

“Even it’s Thursday, we can’t be here. We can't visit without Pappa,” Isak explained.

Because he was under sixteen he wasn’t allowed to visit without a parent or guardian, even if he was visiting his parent. It was ridiculous. What did they think was going to happen to him?

“I know, I know, but… but I just thought it might help. You know? To be near to her.”

Oh. He was so kind and thoughtful. Isak just stared at him, he really was the most wonderful person he’d ever met, probably the most wonderful person he would ever meet. Isak couldn’t believe he was going to have leave this boy behind.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Let’s go then, I’m following you now,” Even said.

Even had never been with them on visits. Isak had never offered although he was sure Even would’ve come along if he’d asked.

Instead, Isak led the way through the streets of the small town to the little hospital. But when they got there he didn’t know what to do. His mother was inside, so close and yet he couldn’t go inside. His eyes prickled with tears.

“Over here,” Even said, leading them to a small bench.

They sat down on the bench and Even wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He rubbed a tear away with his thumb. 

“Was this a bad idea?”

“No no, I’ve been crying all night, this is just leftover tears,” Isak said.

Even nodded. They sat together in silence for a while, Isak pressed against Even. The tears stopped and he began to feel calmer. He took a deep breath.

“Ok?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “Did you plan this?”

“No, but I can rearrange a few things, just seeing you upset this morning, it was a spontaneous thing. I just wanted to help.”

“You have helped,” Isak said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, you always help,” Isak said.

“Good, oh... uh oh, who’s that?” Even asked.

A woman was approaching them. It was Nurse Linda, she worked at the facility. Isak had met her a few times on visits.

“Hello Isak dear. I thought I saw you sitting out here, are you here to visit?”

Isak shook his head. 

“No, I can’t pappa’s at work. But I just missed mamma so we came here, Even brought me,” he explained.

She nodded, frowning slightly.

“How old are you now Isak?” she asked.

“Fourteen,” he said.

She nodded again. 

“Ok. Technically as you’re under sixteen you can’t visit without a parent or relative-”

“I’m sixteen,” Even offered.

“But are you a relative?” she countered.

“Even is my best friend,” Isak explained. “He’s trying to cheer me up.”

“Ah so you’re the famous Even,” she said.

“I am? What does that mean?” Even demanded.

“Marianne speaks very highly of you,” she said.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Even said, sounding surprised.

“And of course Isak speaks about you all the time, honestly Marianne wants to hear about his week and it's all Even this, Even that.” 

She smiled at them fondly.

“But anyway, your mamma's been doing quite well, and I’m sure she would love to see you. So why don’t we bend the rules a little? I can’t see it doing any harm,” she said.

Isak stood up, heart racing.

“Really?”

“Yes come on sweetie. But if anyone asks you’re sixteen,” she said.

Even laughed as he followed them.

“No one's going to believe that,” he said.

“Shut up asshole!” Isak hissed.

“Isak!” Linda exclaimed.

“Sorry Linda,” he said.

She led them through the reception, no one paid any attention to them as she marched them through the corridors to his mamma’s room. She seemed to have enough authority to get away with it.

“Ok just go on in. If you stay in the room you can probably get away with staying all afternoon, until four at the latest. I’ll check in on you in a bit ok? And I’ll chat to the kitchen, tell them Marianne is eating in her room today. I’ll get them to send extra,” she said, winking at them.

She knocked on the door for him.

“Marianne you have a visitor,” she called out, before opening the door.

Isak stepped into the room, he hadn't been in here that often, they usually went to the visitors’ lounge. It was a small room just a bed, a small wardrobe in the corner, a bookshelf, and a window where his mother was sitting on a chair, looking out. The view was nice, the hospital was at the edge of town, so it was surrounded by countryside.

It’s part of the reason his father had chosen it, his mother was not from Oslo originally, had moved there when she was a teenager, so he’d thought the quiet surroundings would help her. She turned away from the window slowly and looked at him. For a moment her face was blank before recognition dawned on it and she smiled widely.

“Isak what are you doing here?”

Isak was still frozen by the door.

“I… I…”

She waited for him to find his voice.

“I just missed you,” he whispered.

Even nudged him, pushed him forward a little and then Isak was rushing into the room to his mother. She pulled him into a hug. It was awkward because she was still sitting but he didn’t let go. He didn’t cry, he was happy, relieved to see she was ok.

Even cleared his throat.

“I uh… I found some chairs, in the hallway,” he said. 

He’d brought in two chairs, Isak sat down in one of them but Even hovered beside them.

“Are you going to sit down?” Isak asked.

“Do you want me to? Or… I could wait outside?”

“I want you here,” Isak said.

Even glanced at Isak’s mother.

“Stay with us Even, I haven't seen you in such a long time, we can catch up on everything you’ve been up to,” she insisted.

So Even sat down beside him.

“How’ve you been mamma?”

“We spoke last night Isak, on the phone remember?” she asked, looking puzzled that Isak would forget.

“I know but…”

“Are you alright Isak?”

“Yeah I’m fine mamma,” he said.

She saw right through him, pushing herself forward on her chair, placing her hands on his knees.

“What’s going on Isak?”

“I’m so scared mamma,” he admitted.

“Scared of what?”

“Moving to Bergen, leaving you and Even and Jonas behind, I don’t want to go,” he told her.

“Please don’t be scared Isak, you’re going to have to be brave for me,” she said.

“But what if I’m not brave enough?”

“You’re my son Isak, I know you can do this, and it's ok to be scared. And you can always call me Isak, you know you’re not bothering me right. I know... I know I’m not that well right now. But I do feel a lot better, things are calmer, and even if things get… stressful again, I’m still your mamma. I want to always be there for you,” she said.

“Ok,” Isak said, blinking away tears.

“Will you pray with me?” she asked.

“Mamma…”

“I know you don’t like it but it will comfort me,” she explained. 

She offered her hand and he took it.

“Ok mamma,” he said.

“Even?”

Even took her other hand, nodding.

“Father, give my child a heart of courage. When he is afraid, make yourself known to him and remind him that you will never leave him nor forsake him.” she whispered.

Isak closed his eyes. He was reminded of Sundays at church with his mother. It hadn’t all been bad. When she’d been happy, Isak had been happy to go with her, despite the early hour.

“Mark my child as those who are unafraid and unashamed to do what is pleasing in your sight. Father, you have not given them a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power and love. May he stand brave in the face of adversity, bringing with him the light of love and grace. In Jesus’ name. Amen”

“Thank you mamma,” he said, wiping his eyes.

“That wasn’t so bad was it Isak? You didn’t even burst into flames.”

Even burst out laughing, Isak just rolled his eyes.

“Funny mamma,” he said.

But it did actually make him feel better. He held onto his mother’s hand for a little longer.

“Now how long are you here for?”

“Linda said we can stay till four,” Isak explained. 

“Then that’s perfect, I may not have the fancy computer games you like, but I do have a deck of cards around here somewhere if you boys want to play?”

“Ok mamma,” Isak said.

“Would you find the cards Isak? I think they’re on the bookshelf over there,” she said.

Isak got up and headed to the bookshelf.

“How have you been Even?” 

“I’m good thank you,” Even said.

“That’s good, you’re a good boy Even, I pray for you too, you know,” she told him.

“Thank you Marianne, that’s very kind,” Even said.

Isak turned from the shelf to see his mother beaming at Even. He was so kind and patient, so understanding with his mother. He loved him for that.

Isak found the cards and headed back over to the pair.

“Do you boys know how to play rummy?” she asked.

They both shook their heads.

 

They were in the middle of a game when they were interrupted by Linda coming in with some food.

“Ah cards! Who’s winning?” she asked.

“Not Even!” Isak exclaimed.

He was feeling much better now, he’d almost forgot he was visiting his mamma, he felt like he was at home.

“I’m letting him win,” Even insisted.

“I’ve brought some sandwiches for everyone,” Linda said.

Isak reached out for one, he was starving now, but his mother grabbed his wrist. 

“No Isak! Don’t, it’s not safe,” she said, squeezing tightly.

“Marianne,” Linda warned.

“No,” Isak said, stopping her before she overreacted and cut their visit short.

He turned to his mother.

“Why isn’t it safe mamma?” he asked.

“What?”

“The food?” he asked, pointing to the plate. “It’s just sandwiches,”

“Poison, it’s poison,” she insisted.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because, because…”

“Because you didn’t make it?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“Linda, did you watch them make the food?”

“Yes I did Isak,” she said, nodding, understanding what Isak was doing.

“Mamma do you trust Linda?”

“I…” 

“I trust Linda, mamma do you trust me?”

“Yes Isak I trust you,” she said.

“I will eat a sandwich, to prove they are safe.

His mother still looked worried but she let go of his wrist and allowed him to take a sandwich from the plate. It was tuna, which he hated, but he ate it anyway. When he’d finished, she copied him, taking a sandwich and eating it.

“Thank you mamma,” he said.

He nodded toward Even who took a sandwich without comment. They ate in silence, and when they were finished Linda took the plates away.

“Do you want to play another game?” Even asked.

“I’m quite tired now Even,” she said.

“Oh, do you want us to go?” Isak asked.

“No but…”

“I have my laptop in my bag,” Even said, “we could watch a movie,” he suggested.

Marianne smiled at him.

“I don’t think we like the same movies Even,” she said.

“I bet you do!” Isak exclaimed, “Even likes all that black and white crap.”

“Isak language,” she warned.

“I do have black and white movies, although your mamma isn’t that old Isak. I do have Casablanca and Citizen Kane,” Even said. “I was doing a project for school.”

“I like Casablanca, that was my mother’s favourite movie. That and Gone with the Wind,” she said.

“I have that too! It was the first ever movie fully in colour!”

“Oh my god it sounds ancient,” Isak complained.

But he was defeated, Even loaded up the movie and placed his laptop on the bed so they could all see.

Forty minutes in and Isak was bored. He’d been bored from the start, but he tried to pretend to be enjoying it so as not to upset his mother. But when he turned to check on her she’d fallen asleep. 

Isak couldn't help it, he moved his chair closer and leant against her. Even didn’t say a word. Minutes later he was drifting off too. The last thing he felt before he succumbed to sleep, was Even placing the blanket from the bed around the pair of them. He wasn’t sure if he imagined it, but he could’ve sworn Even had kissed the top of his head before running a hand gently through his hair. That was nice, he thought, smiling sleepily.


	4. three and before - part iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! This chapter took longer to get out than I had hoped, but I got it done. Still feel my writings a bit wobbly, but I’ve been tired all week so haven’t felt up to it. I guess this is what happens when you get sick but still have to go to work, no time to recover. Still finally feeling a bit better, I woke up this morning with actual energy, and though, let’s get that chapter done! I don’t know what my update schedule is going to be like from here, on the one hand, I’ve written a lot more of the next part than I had the first few chapters. On the other hand real life is still a thing…

**august 2013**

It seemed that in no time at all Isak’s last day in Oslo was finally here. In the early hours of the morning, Isak found himself sitting on the edge of his bed looking around the room. His walls were bare, the drawers and cupboards empty. All his possessions were in half filled boxes scattered haphazardly around his room. Beside him on the bed, Even was sleeping. He’d stayed over every night that week, Isak hadn’t let him go home in days. So he’d stayed over, helped Isak pack up all his belongings, tried to distract him as best as he could.

He’d helped Isak to sleep most nights, but last night even his presence wasn’t enough. Isak had lain awake all night, long after Even had drifted off.

He reached for his phone, the time read just after four. Isak sighed and carefully eased himself out of bed, careful not to disturb Even.

He walked over to his wardrobe and pulled out the box he’d put in there, out of Even’s sight. It was his box labelled Even. He wasn’t sure why he’d hidden it, all he knew was it was the most important box of all his possessions, more than his Xbox, his computer, even most of his books. Those things could all be replaced.

But not all the drawings Even had made him, the Polaroid pictures he’d taken. The soft grey hoodie he’d leant Isak once, that Isak had kept. Books he’d given Isak. The fridge magnet Even had brought back from Barcelona for him, plus all the postcards he’d sent. The CD mixes Even had made him because he was “old school,” and his elder cousin’s old cd walkman that he’d had to give to Isak so he could actually play them. A journal which doubled up as Even’s sketchbook, plus two worn down fineliners, he’d used to fill it. It was a box of his most treasured possessions.

Isak picked up the sketchbook and opened it for the first time. He’d never read it, just pocketed it once it was full, after seeing it lying on Even’s desk. He flicked through the pages now. It was like a window into Even’s mind. All his little doodles, the song lyrics, the positive day journals. Little sketches of the two of them together. Isak ran his thumb over the ink and sniffled.

As if sensing his distress Even stirred.

“Isak?” he whispered.

Isak looked up at him, he was sitting up in the bed now, hair all dishevelled from sleep. He yawned widely and rubbed a hand over his face.

“Have you slept?” he asked.

Isak shook his head.

“Come sleep,” Even insisted, patting the bed beside him.

Isak stood up and walked over to the bed, still clutching Even’s journal to his chest. Even pulled back the covers and Isak sat down beside him. Even took the book from his hands.

“Where did you get this?”

“I stole it, I’m sorry,” Isak admitted.

“When?”

“I don’t know, maybe a year ago,” Isak said. “I’m sorry.”

“Thief!” Even exclaimed, but he wasn’t mad, he was smiling. “Good job it wasn’t full of all my secrets,” he said.

“I… I just wanted to keep it, I’m sorry,” Isak said.

“Stop saying sorry, it’s ok. It’s just my thoughts and ramblings,” Even said.

“I didn’t even read it until now, I just… I wanted it because it was… like it’s you. Do you know what I mean?”

“I do, you want to keep me in a book,” Even said.

“It’s like a snapshot,” Isak said. “Can I keep it?” he asked.

Even nodded and wrapped an arm around him, pulling the blankets over them.

“You can,” he said.

“Thank you,” Isak whispered.

“Will you sleep now?” Even asked.

“I don’t want to waste any time,” Isak argued.

“And I get that I do, but don’t you think it would be better later if you were more awake?” Even asked.

“I don’t think I want to go anywhere today,” Isak admitted.

“I know, we’ll just stay in. Maybe just hang out in the garden. Nothing too much but you’ll be exhausted Isak, you’ve barely slept all week. So would you please sleep? Just for a little while,” Even begged.

Isak squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head furiously, but it was no use, he was exhausted. He couldn’t stay awake much longer.

“I…”

“I’ll wake you I promise, and we’ll spend all day together ok? Just a few hours Isak.”

“Please…”

But Even wrapped his arms tighter around him, and tucked the blanket under his chin. So Isak gave in and slept.

~~~

“Hey,” Even said softly.

Isak yawned and blinked groggily at him, he stretched and groaned. He felt just as exhausted as before. Except his headache had eased a little.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Just after eight. You’ve had maybe four hours sleep, but I promised I’d wake you up so…”

Isak nodded but didn’t move away from him yet.

“Thanks,” he murmured.

Even was quiet beside him.

“What are we going to do?”

Even shook his head.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, “I don’t want to do anything,” he admitted.

“If we do anything the day will be over so quickly,” Isak agreed.

“Then let's just stay in here, just stay here together,” Even said.

“And you don’t think that will be a waste? Of our last day?” Isak asked, although there was nothing he would rather do. All he ever wanted to do was spend time with Even.

“Spending time with you is never a waste, it’s my favourite thing to do,” Even said.

“What will we do?” Isak asked again.

“Let’s just chill, just talk and spend our time together. Sound good?” Even asked.

“Yeah,” Isak agreed.

Even sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

“You hungry?” he asked.

He hadn’t thought he was but as soon as Even asked he was suddenly starving.

“Yeah but I don’t want to go down there,” Isak said.

They could hear his father moving about downstairs. From the banging and bumping, Isak assumed he was moving boxes around. He probably should help, although yesterday when he’d offered his father had taken one look at his face and shooed him away.

“I can go down, get us some food,” Even offered.

“I doubt there’s much left,” Isak said.

“I’ll see what I can find ok?” Even said, standing up.

“Um… can you… can you check pappa is ok? That he doesn’t need any help?”

Even nodded. He understood the tension between Isak and his father and understood Isak’s reluctance to be around him. Isak wasn’t sure if he was still mad at his father, but he was mad at the situation and didn’t want to take out his frustration on him. So he was avoiding him.

“I’ll ask him,” Even said.

“Thanks,” Isak said.

Even left, shutting the door behind him. Isak laid in the bed a few more minutes, before mustering the energy to sit up. His limbs felt heavy, eyes itchy with tiredness but he didn’t want to sleep any longer. Not on his last day. He’d already lost four hours. He reached for his phone on the nightstand.

 

**jonas**

_Yo Isak! Enjoy your last day in Oslo._

_Sorry can’t be there_

_See you next summer yeah?_

_And keep in touch, you promised_

 

They were timestamped from last night, late. Isak hadn’t checked his phone, because he’d been with Even. Jonas was due to fly back in three days. They would only just miss each other. He wished he was going to be there, to see Jonas one last time. Still, it was nice that Jonas was having a good time if his sunny snaps were anything to go by.

 

**jonas**

_hey_

 

He couldn’t think of anything else to say. What could he say without getting upset?

 

**jonas**

_Hey Isak_

_Doing ok?_

_Not really_

_Thought as much_

_Hang in there yeah?_

_Even with you?_

_Just downstairs getting food_

_My room is empty_

_*image attached*_

_Wow_

_All your life in like five boxes_

 

Isak looked up from his phone as Even walked in carrying two plates. Under his arm was a large bag of crisps, and a bag of sweets. He sat down on the bed and handed a plate to Isak. He’d made toast from whatever bread had been left in the kitchen. He tossed the snacks to the end of the bed.

“For later,” he explained, “we can just hang in here, watch movies, chat and stuff.”

 

**jonas**

_It sucks_

_But I’ve got to go._

_Even’s back with food_

_Ok, peace bro_

_Tell Even hi!_

 

“Texting Jonas?” Even asked, looking over his shoulder.

“I might have other friends,” Isak replied, huffing.

“Oh yeah?” Even asked, eyebrow raised in challenge.

Isak didn’t feel like bickering and playing.

“Jonas says hi,” he said instead, putting the phone back down on the dresser.

“Really? Hmm,” Even said, taking a bite of his toast.

“Are you going to be friends with Jonas once I leave?” Isak asked.

“Am I not friends with Jonas now?” Even asked.

“Dunno, sometimes you act like you can’t stand him,” Isak replied.

Even shrugged.

“I like Jonas fine it’s just… he gets to spend all day with you at school. So I guess I resent him a bit,” Even said.

“Dumbass,” Isak said.

“Also… sometimes he says shit about you I don’t like,” Even admitted.

Isak frowned at him.

“Like what?”

“I don’t like it when he calls you weird,” Even said.

“I am a bit weird though,” Isak said.

“No, see that’s what I mean, he’s said it so much you believe it,” Even said.

“Well, it’s the first thing he ever said to me,” Isak said.

“How do you mean?”

“We were in the same class right? Back in primary school. And Jonas and I were sat together, and he goes “I’m Jonas, what’s your name?” and I just stared at him because well I’m me, and he went “okay so you’re weird, that's cool,” and that was it,” Isak explained.

Even burst out laughing at the picture Isak was painting.

“Anyway at break time I just followed him out to the playground, didn’t say a word, just followed him around. He didn’t mind. He called me weird a lot but never in a mean way. And then one day I guess I felt comfortable enough and started talking to him. And he said well I guess you’re not weird anymore, but it just stuck, it doesn't bother me,” he said.

“Aw little Isak and Jonas, thick as thieves,” Even said, still laughing.

“I’ll miss him, and you, so much Even,” Isak whispered.

“None of that now,” Even said.

“Ok,” Isak said.

“Your dad’s fine by the way. He’s getting the boxes ready for the movers. He said to bring your boxes down when you’re ready and give him a shout if you need a hand.”

“I can lift my own boxes,” Isak huffed.

“Sure you can,” Even laughed.

Isak punched him on the shoulder.

“Fuck off I’m strong!” he muttered.

“So what do you want to do hiding in here?” Even asked, rubbing his shoulder.

Isak shrugged.

“Your boxes are only half packed,” Even observed.

“I just can’t be bothered,” Isak admitted.

That's what they found themselves doing, packing up Isak’s room. Isak, still not feeling it just tossed his stuff in haphazardly, Even followed him around, tidying and adjusting things.

“If you don’t put the stuff in properly it’ll get broken in the van,” Even explained.

“So?” Isak huffed, tossing books into an open box.

Even removed his photos from another and began to wrap them in newspaper.

“You’ll be pretty upset when you get to Bergen and all your shit is broken,” Even explained.

“I’ll be pretty upset in Bergen no matter what,” Isak replied.

He couldn’t imagine how his few possessions were going to make up for moving across the country.

“Ok, but don’t you think it might help if you can do your new room up the same as this? Just a little?”

“I suppose,” Isak said shrugging.

But he picked up the next pile of books and placed them carefully in the box. Even smiled at him.

“You have so many books,” he said.

“I like to read,” Isak said.

“I know,” Even said, “Hey I got you that one! And that one! Huh? You kept all of these?”

“Yeah? What else would I do with them?” Isak asked.

Even had given him all sorts of science and fact books over the years, Isak had kept every single one.

“But like… they’re a bit… they’re a bit young for you now,” Even said.

“Well I’m not going to throw them away, you got them for me,” Isak said.

“Really?”

“Even I’ve kept everything you’ve ever given me,” Isak said.

“What?”

Isak frowned at him, he didn't understand what was so confusing. Why would he ever throw away anything Even had given him? He shook his head and pulled out the box he’d been looking in that morning when Even had still been asleep.

“Here,” he said, placing it in front of Even and opening it up.

Even was silent as he peered into the box, he tentatively reached in and pulled out the photos.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, rifling through them. “Look at us!” he exclaimed.

Isak nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. He took the photo from Even’s outstretched hand. It was the two of them at Halloween, three years ago. They were dressed as twin skeletons, Isak scowling because he hadn’t wanted to wear a costume at all, Even beaming at the camera, his arm around Isak’s shoulder as always. Anne had taken it. Well, she’d taken three or four until the one Isak was currently holding had met Even’s approval.

“These are all my drawings,” Even said.

He was holding a battered shoe box containing every little sketch, every doodle he’d ever given Isak. He was looking at Isak, wearing that expression on his face that Isak had seen countless times that summer. He thought he might finally be starting to understand it.

“Every single one,” Isak said.

Even nodded. “I can’t believe you kept them.”

“I can’t believe you thought I wouldn’t,” Isak said.

“They’re just silly though,” Even said.

“Not to me.”

“Ok,” Even said.

He placed the shoebox carefully into the bigger box, and took back the photos, placing them on top.

“Is that everything?”

“Hmm?”

“Is that everything to go in your… your Even box,”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Pass me the tape then,”

Isak huffed and turned away searching for the tape. He found it behind the bookshelf. He frowned when he turned round to give it to Even.

“Where’s your hoodie?” he demanded.

“Hmm?”

“The hoodie you were wearing like thirty seconds ago?”

Even shrugged.

Isak continued to stare at him.

“It’s in the box.”

“Even.”

“I just thought you might have a growth spurt soon, and then my hoodie will tide you over till you can find bigger clothes,” Even said.

“You do know Bergen is a city right? Not village in the middle of nowhere,” Isak said.

“You sleep better when I’m here,” Even said quietly.

“Yeah and?”

“So it might help you sleep right? It’s why you still have the grey one no?”

“Yeah,” Isak admitted.

“So maybe it will help until you settle in your new place. As I can’t be there you know,” Even explained.

“Thank you,” Isak said.

“No problem.”

They worked together in comfortable silence for a while. Eventually, by mid-afternoon, everything was done, apart from the furniture. The movers would do that in the morning. Isak hadn’t realised he had so much stuff. He’d filled eleven boxes. Even and his father helped him get everything downstairs, and then decided to break for a late lunch. Even had gone downstairs to get some food.

Now Isak was sitting in his empty room. It was just a room, so he didn’t know why he was so upset to see it empty. After all, he’d always thought it was boring. Lame and nerdy in comparison with Even and Jonas’ rooms. But he had a lot of memories in here. Maybe that was it.

After a few minutes, he hauled himself up from the floor and wandered out into the hallway. He could hear Even and his father downstairs in the kitchen. He tiptoed along the hall toward his parents’ bedroom. His father hadn’t slept in here since his mother had moved into the residential care facility. Most mornings, the ones which he was up because he couldn't sleep, he found his father asleep in the chair in the living room.

The room was all packed up now though, all that remained was the furnishings. His mother’s dressing table was still there by the window, empty of all her makeup and jewellery. It was a large dresser, intricate and ornate, white wood, with drawers on either side. There was still enough space behind the stool for Isak to hide under the table.

He used to do this when he didn't want to go to school. His mamma always found him straight away, but she never pulled him out. She would sit there with him as he cried or whined about why he didn’t want to go. And she would just explain patiently why he had to, until he crawled out and allowed her to take him.

He hadn’t been under here in years, hadn’t been in this room in years. It had become out of bounds when his mother became ill.

He’d always loved the room, it was his favourite room in the house. It looked out onto the garden, over the trees. In the summer the room was filled with light and it shone through the thin curtains and bathed the room in light. There used to be so many pictures on the wall, of Isak through the years, of his mother and father together, of all of them as a family. Isak sat there under the desk, staring hard at the marks on the walls his mother’s photographs had left behind.

Half an hour later Even found him. Isak heard him coming up the stairs and going into his room first. He supposed there were few places he could be hiding up here. He crouched down as low as he could to be able to peer at Isak under the dressing table.

“What are you doing in here?”

Isak shrugged.

“It’s where I used to hide,” Isak explained.

“From your mamma?” Even asked.

“No! Just from stuff I dunno… school and stuff,” Isak said.

“Oh.”

“Mamma would sit here with me,” Isak said.

“Ah.”

Even knelt down so that he could get closer.

“Everything's gone now,” Isak said.

“Everything?” Even asked.

“Her jewellery, her makeup, her perfumes, all her things,” Isak said.

“Where is it?” Even asked.

“Dunno, pappa probably threw it all away,” Isak said.

“Nah, I mean check with your pappa, but there are countless boxes labelled Marianne downstairs,” Even said.

“Oh… I didn’t realise,” Isak said.

“He does love her I think,” Even said.

“Then why is he leaving her?”

“I don’t know,” Even admitted. “Do you want to come down for food?”

Isak sighed. “Ok,” he said.

Even held out his hands and Isak allowed him to pull him out. He gave him a quick hug and led him downstairs.

~~~

Later still Isak was laying on his bed. Moping. He supposed he should pull himself together. Moving cities wasn’t the end of the world. But it felt like it to him. To Isak it felt like his world was ending. He didn’t know how he would survive this. Even had left, promising to be back as soon as possible. That was over an hour ago. Isak couldn’t help but feel upset with him. It was their last night together after all.

 

**Even Bech Næsheim**

_come outside_

_bring a jacket_

_we’ll be out all night but i’ll get you home first thing_

_ok_

 

 

Isak frowned but hauled himself off the bed. He grabbed his hoodie from the chair and headed out. His footsteps were heavy as he walked down the stairs, loud enough to bring his father out of the kitchen. He must have been cleaning, he had a dishcloth in one hand.

“Isak?”

“Mm.”

Isak ignored him and headed to the door, stopping to put his shoes on.

“Are you going out?”

“Yeah, Even’s outside so…”

His father nodded.

“And er... what time will you be back?”

“Morning,” Isak said.

His father took a step towards him then hesitated.

“We need to leave early, I think it’d be better if you slept here,” he said.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Trust me I wouldn’t sleep if I was here anyway. Look I’ll be back in the morning,” he said. “I promise,” he added.

“I know this is really hard-”

“Don’t, just don’t ok?”

He shrugged the hoodie on.

“Isak I’m try-”

“I don’t want to hear it pappa, I don’t want to hear your excuses for ruining my life!” he snapped

His father gasped.

“Isak I-”

“I know ok! I know there is no choice here! But that doesn’t make it easier, doesn’t make it ok. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me and there is nothing you can do to make it ok. So please, let me go and say goodbye to my best friend,” Isak begged.

His father nodded, and ran a hand through his hair, giving in.

“Ok Isak,” he said softly. “Have fun with Even then. Will he be here in the morning too? To say goodbye?”

“Yeah he said he would be,” Isak said.

He stepped through the door, not even glancing back at his father. He _knew_ he was been mean, and unfair, but he was upset. He was so angry, frustrated with his situation, if he tried arguing with his father, he would end up saying things far crueller that he meant.

Even was waiting for him by the gate, as soon as he saw him Isak jogged towards him. When he reached him, Even pulled him in for a hug, then led him away from the house, his arm around Isak’s shoulder.

“Everything ok?” he asked.

“Fighting with pappa,” Isak said, shrugging, but not enough to displace Even’s arm from around his shoulder.

Even just nodded and held him tighter.

“Where are we going then?” Isak asked.

“Surprise?” Even said, grinning down at him.

“No Even I can’t deal with-”

“I know. I know. Ok, we’re going to church,” Even said.

“Church, what the fuck?”

“Or well, the church hall. Where we met remember?”

“Oh ok,” Isak said, still frowning.

He was confused, and not that keen on spending his last night in Oslo in the church hall. Still Even seemed pretty set on it, and Isak would do anything to keep him smiling so he went along with it.

“Good idea?” Even asked.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean it will be closed but whatever,” Isak said.

Even clutched his free arm to his chest, gasping.

“Whatever? You guess? Have a little faith in me Isak,” he said.

Isak rolled his eyes, Even was so dramatic.

When they got to the church it turned out Isak was supposed to have faith in Even’s breaking and entering skills. He snuck them in through a window that had been left open.

“Don’t you trust me Isak?” He asked as he led him down the hall, lighting the way with the torch on his phone.

“I dunno, I just don’t want to go to jail I suppose,” Isak said, walking close to Even.

He wasn’t scared of the dark exactly, but the old church was a lot spookier at night.

“We won’t go to jail,” Even insisted.

He pushed open the door for the hall, it creaked ominously. Isak shuddered and stepped even closer to Even.

“Well, I probably won’t. I’m skipping town, but you’ll probably end up in jail,” Isak said.

“Will you visit?”

They stepped into the room and Even turned on a small lamp in the corner of the room. It was dim but lit up the room enough for Isak to see.

“You in jail? I suppose,” Isak said as he dropped down onto the bean bag chairs.

Even flopped down beside him.

“So generous of you,” he said

“That’s me. So er, why are we here? Why the church?”

“Dunno, it’s where we met, seemed fitting,” Even said, but he was sounding unsure.

“The beginning and the end then. I guess this is the end,” Isak said.

Even shook his head furiously.

“No wait don’t say that that’s not what I meant,” he insisted.

Isak waited for Even to continue.

“To be honest I just didn’t want to sleep over at yours, or mine, so this seemed safe. I just wanted it to be the two of us.”

“Yeah breaking and entering is always a safe option,” Isak said.

“The window was open Isak,” Even argued.

“You tell that to the police, I’m sure they’d go easy on you,” Isak said.

“They so would, they’d take one look at this innocent face and exonerate me of all charges,” Even said.

Isak laughed.

“You have the least innocent face I’ve ever seen,” he said.

“What the hell does that mean?” Even demanded.

“I dunno, you just always look suspicious,” Isak said.

He was grinning now, laughing. He didn't understand how he could feel so sad and still laugh, only Even could do that to him. Even just looked affronted at his amusement.

“What the hell? In what way?”

“Like you’re up to something,” Isak said.

“Bullshit, I’m an open book,” Even argued.

“Uhuh.”

Even frowned, thinking. Then his eyes lit up.

“I am,” he said.

And then he smiled, like the argument was won.

“ _You_ obviously trusted me,” he said.

“How do you mean?”

“Well considering I look so suspicious, you still became friends with me,” Even said.

“Yeah well that was obviously an oversight on my-”

“And obviously at the time I didn’t know it, but when I found out how you pretty much never spoke to anyone, I was truly honoured,” Even said.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Whatever,” he said.

“Do you remember though?”

“Remember what?”

“When we first met,” Even said.

“Yeah it was right over there, by that bookshelf,” Isak said, pointing across the room.

He remembered that day so clearly, he’d been so grumpy, just sitting in the corner, scowling down at his book. Even had just bounded over, said hi and that was it. Even was right, Isak had never trusted anyone so quickly, never opened up to anyone as easily as he had to Even. Before that day he didn’t think he’d ever spoken as much in his life. He’d told Even all about his book, about science, about Jonas, every possible interesting thing he could think of just to keep him there talking to Isak. And he had, he’d stayed there with him responding in kind.

“God, I was the oldest person here apart from the teen supervisors, everyone else was like five,” Even said.

“Ah, so that’s why you spoke to me, because I was older than five?” Isak asked.

He’d always wondered what made Even approach him, but he’d never questioned it, not wanting to jinx it.

“Nah I spoke to you because…” Even trailed off, unsure about whether or not to explain it.

“Because?” Isak pushed.

“Because you looked sad,” he admitted, “and I wanted to make you smile.”

“You did,” Isak said, “you always make me smile.”

“That’s good,” Even said.

“You're always so kind to me,” Isak whispered.

Even looked like he was about to cry, so Isak moved closer.

“Isak I’m going to miss you so much,” he admitted. “I’m going to send you letters you know, and emails and texts, I won’t let you forget about me,” he said.

“Even I would never forget about you. If anything you’re more likely to forget about me,” Isak whispered.

And there it was his greatest fear out in the open, the worry that had been plaguing his thoughts all summer. Because Even had his own life here in Oslo, he had other friends, his own age. Isak was worried he would just become some kid Even used to know.

“What the fuck Isak?” Even demanded, sitting up and pulling away from him.

Isak glanced at him, he looked almost angry now. Isak couldn’t help but curl into himself slightly and Even softened, reaching for him.

“I just mean, like you’re going to make new friends easily, and you’re starting high school, so you’ll be busy, and-”

“Doesn’t matter, Isak. I. Will. Never. Forget. About. You. Ok? You are the most important person in the world to me, ok?”

“Ok,” Isak whispered. “You’re the same you know.”

“Huh?”

“You are the most important person to me too,” he said.

“We’re each other's most important people then,” Even said.

“Yeah?”

“And we’ll never forget about each other.”

“Never.”

Isak held out his hand and Even laced their fingers together. Isak squeezed hard, hard enough he was probably hurting Even but he didn’t complain just squeezed back just as hard, until he couldn’t stand it anymore, until the tears he had been holding back spilt over.

“Even I can’t do it,” he gasped.

Even let go of his hand and pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around Isak. There was nothing else to say. They were in a hopeless situation and there was nothing either of them could do. So Even held him and they sat like that all night, barely speaking, not daring to fall asleep, not wanting to miss a moment with each other.

~~~

Eventually, morning came too soon and Even took Isak back to his house. The movers had already packed up the truck by the time they’d got there and Isak’s father was pacing in front of the house, obviously worried Isak wasn’t going to show. However, he didn’t question where he’d been, just allowed the two boys to help pack up the car in silence. Once they were done, far too quickly no matter how slowly Isak had tried to go, Terje gave Even a brief hug goodbye and then got into the car. Allowing Isak and Even their private goodbye.

“So this is it then,” Isak said, turning to Even.

He gasped when he saw that Even was crying, he never cried.

“Don’t go,” Even whispered.

“Even-”

“No, I know you have to. I just wish…”

“I’m so sorry,” Isak said.

“Not your fault,” Even said.

They hugged and hugged, but eventually, Isak let go and took a step back. He looked at Even, really looked at him, trying to memorise everything about him. Then it was time to go. He had to be strong, brave. So he got in the car. He watched Even standing alone by his empty house, he stared through the window until they turned the street and then he closed his eyes. But it was no good, the tears spilt over.

“Isak?”

“I’m fine pappa,” he said, refusing to look at him.

“It’s ok if you’re not fine,” his pappa said.

Isak glanced over at him, he was looking back at him kindly.

“I just hate this ok? It hurts so much. I don’t think I will ever be happy again,” he said.

“You’re really going to miss him, aren’t you? Even? You love him I think,” his pappa said.

“I do. I love him so much pappa, I don’t think I realised how much. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. I feel like I’m going to die without him. Pappa what if he forgets about me?”

“I promise you he won't,” his father said.

Isak looked at his father, he was smiling about something but Isak didn’t understand him. How could he be so sure?

“How do you know?”

“Because that boy loves you just as much as you love him Isak, I can promise you that, and distance can’t destroy something like that.”

Isak believed him.


	5. two hundred and eighty nine and in-between - part i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I’ve had this almost but not quite ready to post for ages now. I’m still not a hundred per cent happy with it, but I want to keep the story moving so here it is. This is pretty angsty and a little dramatic, I don’t know what that says about my mood but it feels like an accurate reflection! However, things will start getting happier from here on in.

**_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_********_0833, 12th August 2013_**

**_Subject: Hello! I miss you!_ **

_Hey Isak,_

_You’ve been in Bergen a whole week now, how are you settling in. How’s your new house? And your new room? How’s your pappa’s new job? I hope you’re doing ok. I do worry about you. I know you say you’re fine, and not to worry but I do. You were so worried about leaving. I hate to see you upset._

_Anyway enough of all that, today is your first day of your new school. I hope it goes ok. I know you struggle, but just take your time, try to talk to the other kids. I don’t like the idea of you being alone. Just remember you are cool, you can make friends, you’ve got this._

_Love,_ _  
_ _Even_

 

**september 2013**

Isak had been in his new school for about a month and it wasn’t going well. He was really struggling. He missed Even so much it hurt. There was literally a pain in his chest whenever he thought of him. It hurt so much he couldn’t even bring himself to reply to his emails or texts. He wasn’t speaking to anybody really. Jonas had been texting too. His father was constantly trying to get him to talk. He hadn’t made a single friend at his new school.

He went to his lessons, came home and locked himself in his room. His father was worried, constantly badgering him to come downstairs, to go outside. Isak didn’t much care, he’d rather stay in his room anyway. But he was lonely.

On his first day a guy called Daniel had been assigned to show him around, help him settle in. He had seemed friendly enough, genuinely seemed happy to help Isak get to know his way around. But Isak had been rude and unfriendly, still angry that he had to be there in Bergen. He didn’t want to make new friends he just wanted to go home. So he hadn’t tried at all.

Now a month later it was starting to sink in that he wasn’t going home anytime soon, that Bergen was his home now. And now it was too late, he had this reputation as this grumpy sullen guy from Oslo. No one wanted to talk to him now and he was going to have to go through school without any friends.

He sighed and took his seat next to Daniel, pulling out his books and placing them heavily on the table.

“Morning Isak,” Daniel said cheerily.

“Morning,” Isak replied.

Daniel pretended to fall off his chair.

“Holy shit he speaks!” he exclaimed.

Isak just stared at him.

“I… What?”

“What do you mean “what?”?” Daniel asked, “you literally never speak man.”

“Er… yeah I know. Sorry I guess,” Isak said.

How could he explain that he had trouble talking to new people? Or that he was struggling in the new environment? Especially when Daniel had been nothing but polite from the start. And Isak had just ignored him.

“So is today a special day or what?” Daniel asked.

“I guess I just realised I’m here to stay,” Isak admitted.

Daniel looked at him for a while, frowning slightly.

“Is that so bad?” he asked.

“I hate it,” Isak muttered. “I have no one to talk to. All my friends are back in Oslo, living their lives, moving on and forgetting about me probably. And I’m stuck here.”

Daniel nodded.

“Ok well that sucks that you miss your friends from Oslo, I get that. I mean you’ve only been here what a month? I doubt they’ve forgotten about you that quickly. And the reason you have no one to talk to here is because you refuse to speak to anyone. Do you know how many rumors there are going around about you?”

“There are?”

This was news to Isak.

“Yeah man, if you stopped eating lunch in the library and came to the cafeteria once in awhile you'd hear all about it,” Daniel said.

“Er what kind-”

They were interrupted by their history teacher standing over the desk. He slammed a hand down on the table.

“Will you two stop talking and focus on the lesson!” he snapped, before walking back to the board.

“Sorry,” Daniel apologised.

Isak flushed red and ducked his head.

They waited a few minutes for the teacher to continue the lesson, then Isak leant in close to Daniel.

“What kind of rumors?” he whispered.

“So many ranging from spy to royalty to like hitman or serial killer or something, it’s pretty wild,” Daniel informed him.

“A fourteen year old serial killer really?” Isak asked.

“We’re pretty imaginative I guess. I do note you’re not denying the royalty angle,” Daniel said.

“Ha! We moved here because my pappa got a new job, nothing exciting at all,” Isak told him.

Daniel nodded.

“So wanna join me and some friends in the cafeteria for lunch? Quash some rumors, or start some more?”

“Yeah ok, that sounds fun I guess,” Isak said, he supposed it couldn't be worse than eating alone in the library.

“Enthusiasm Isak, you gotta try it,” Daniel joked, nudging Isak’s shoulder with his own.

They were quiet after that, when they realised the teacher was glaring at them again.

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_0243, 17th September 2013_ **   
_  
_ ****_Subject: Sorry_

_Hey Even,_

_Sorry for not replying sooner, I guess I was just getting settled and stuff._ _  
_ _No sorry that’s bullshit. I was just sulking… or something. I don’t know I just kinda stopped talking to people for a while. I hate Bergen by the way, and my new school, and my new apartment. I hate change, you know that. I’m really struggling. Pappa’s worried, but I just can’t speak to him, I’m scared I’ll start yelling._

_When I first got here it was like everything was on hold, I guess I just didn’t believe I was really going to be here for that long. I don’t know what I was expecting but I guess I thought I was coming back and everything was going to go back to normal. I’m starting to get that that isn’t going to happen now. And I need to start living properly._

_Anyway enough of my bullshit. How are you? How’s school? Coping without me? Not that we were at school together, but you know what I mean right?_

_I miss you,_

_So much._

_Love,_ _  
_ _Isak._

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0831, 17th September 2013_**

**_re: Sorry_ **

_Isak!_

_You have no idea how happy I was to wake up and find out I had an email from you. God I’ve missed you, so much, you have no idea! And when you never replied to me I thought you’d forgotten about me!_

_It hurts me to hear that you are struggling so much, I knew it would be hard for you, quite a lot of your life has been unsettled hasn’t it? And it really affects you. I wish you could have stayed here with us instead. But let's not dwell on that._

_I don’t believe you when you say you hate school, even with no friends you would still enjoy it because you love to learn. Unless kids are being mean to you? If that’s the case you need to tell somebody, stop it before it becomes a bigger problem._

_School is fine, bit boring I suppose, and yes I’m coping just fine, I do have other friends you know. None as good as you though._

_I miss you Isak_

_Please keep in touch, even if you’re struggling with talking, it doesn’t matter how long it takes you I always want to hear from you._

_Love,_ _  
_ _Even._

 

~~~

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_10:13, 15th October 2013_**

**_Subject: Quick Hello_ **

_Hi Isak,_

_I see you’re maintaining radio silence again. I really hope you’re doing ok. I miss you and I’m worried about you. Is school going ok? I hope you’re making friends. Please talk to someone, even if it can’t be me. Talk to your pappa, or someone at school, please try to make friends, I hate the thought of you being alone Isak._

_Promise me you’ll try._

_Love,_ _  
_ _Even_

 

**_< Draft Message>_ **

**_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ **

**_re: Quick Hello_ **

_Hi Even,_

_I’m sorry for not replying. I’m sorry for ignoring your texts. It’s just hard you know? Everytime you send me something I miss you more. But don’t stop! I have made a couple of friends though. There’s Daniel, he was my first friend here, and he was friends with two guys Jakob and Emil already so we hang out. Daniel is cool, but I’m not too sure about Jakob and Emil. They’re a bit mean. Not to me really, just in general. Makes me a bit uncomfortable. I think maybe I’m a bit scared of them? Or that if I say the wrong thing then they’ll start being mean to me. If they figure out… well anyway let’s just say we’re not going to be best friends anytime soon._

_But still I don’t really have a choice, no one else is exactly jumping at the opportunity to be my friend._

_I miss you,_

_Love,_

_Isak_

 

Isak sat in the canteen, re-reading Even’s messages. He’d read them over and over, they were all that kept him going sometimes. He’d saved his own reply as a draft, not daring to send it.

His lunch was on the table in front of him, but he wasn’t eating, didn’t feel hungry, just tired as usual. Daniel, Emil, and Jakob were sitting around him, chatting about their weekends. Isak was mostly ignoring them, he still wasn’t too comfortable around them. Daniel was ok on his own, but Jakob and Emil were a lot to deal with. He was trying sure but it was pretty tiring, and he hadn’t slept in a few days. He just wanted a quiet day.

“Who are you texting Isak?” Emil asked, startling Isak.

He looked up from his phone slowly, he didn’t like the smirk on Emil’s face. It made him nervous, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach.

“No one,” Isak mumbled, “just checking my emails,” he said.

Emil snorted. “Emails? From who?”

“My friends from back home,” Isak said.

Jakob leant over and snatched the phone from Isak’s hands before he could even react.

“Let’s see then,” he said.

“Jakob,” Daniel warned, but he did nothing to help him get his phone back.

“Haha! Look at this! Even? Who’s Even? Your boyfriend?” Jakob demanded.

“No!” Isak said, his face flushed red immediately. “Give it back! Please,” he begged.

Jakob laughed and held the phone out of Isak’s reach.

Daniel sighed. “Jakob give him his phone,” he said.

“No but seriously. “I miss you” “Love Even?” _Love Even?_ Oh my god this is the gayest shit I’ve ever read! Look!”

He showed the phone to Emil, who burst out laughing,

“Isak has a boyfriend!” he sang.

Jakob then showed the phone to Daniel who frowned and took the phone out of his hand, handing it back to Isak without even looking at the screen. Isak shoved it in his pocket. His face felt hot and his eyes were burning, but he refused to cry, blinking rapidly. He sniffed.

“Aw don’t cry Isak, I’m sure you’ll see your loverboy Even again-”

“Don’t be an ass,” Daniel warned.

“C’mon it’s literally-”

“Drop it Jakob, Christ!” Daniel snapped, looking over at Isak.

He looked concerned, apologetic, but like he didn’t know how to handle the situation. Well, Isak didn’t want his pity, so he stood up and grabbed his bag.

“Isak don’t leave,” Daniel said.

“I have to study, I’ll see you later,” he muttered.

Isak hurried off but he heard Daniel chastising Emil and Jakob as he left. He heard them laughing though, they didn’t care.

He didn’t like them, they were so mean, he hated them.  How dare they say those things about Even. Not that he’d done much to stick up for him, but still. He didn’t understand why Daniel was friends with them.

When he was by himself Daniel was nice, compassionate and kind. He’d spoken to Isak every morning, even when Isak had barely acknowledged him. He was so different from the other two.

Isak hid away in the library the rest of the afternoon, not even going to his lessons. Just sat in the corner reading and re-reading Even’s emails, until the final bell of the day rang. He never did send the email he’d drafted.

~~~

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0818, 25th November 2013_**

**_Subject: Updates_ **

_Hi Isak,_

_Hope you’re ok. I’m still here sending these messages into the void. I hope I’m not bothering you, but you haven’t asked me to stop so I’m going to keep it up, at least until you tell me to fuck off, haha! So let me fill you in on my life since I so much is going on here._

_Oh I ran into Jonas the other day, he seems ok. Told me you’re ignoring him too, so at least I don’t have to be jealous of that._

_You haven’t asked (obviously) but I’m doing ok, apart from missing you. School is school, high school is a bit tougher. But Bakka is cool. Me, Mikael, and Elias are fitting in just fine. And we’ve made more friends there’s Adam, Yousef and Mutta now too. So we’re pretty much this cool gang. You’ll have to choose a high school in two years I guess. I mean I have no idea about the schools in Bergen but if you need any advice, or just to chat hit me up yeah?_

_Love,_ _  
_ _Even_

_PS. I have a date next week. With a girl from my English class. Her name’s Sonja, she’s really cool. Elias said she’s only going out with me because I’m the tallest boy in the year, but I reckon she thinks I’m hot stuff! I have to prove Elias wrong!_

 

**_< Draft Message>_ **

**_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ **

**_Re: Life Updates_ **

_I read every single message you send me Even, I’m sorry that I don’t reply. I don’t ever want you to stop sending them. I’m doing ok I guess. School is fine, not much else happens outside of school. I hang out with Daniel and the guys in school, but we’re not that close. I don’t really do anything else. I read a lot still._

_I’m glad that you’re doing ok, I’m happy for you, everything seems to be going so well. I guess you never needed me after all. You’re going to do fine at Elvebakken. You’ll love it there, hipster that you are._

_I don’t think this Sonja person is going out with you because you are “hot stuff”. No one has said “hot stuff” in over fifty years so that can’t be it. I’m afraid I have to agree with Elias on this one. I don’t know if I like the idea of you getting a girlfriend. I guess I always knew it would happen eventually, but still, it’s just another reason to forget about me I guess._

_I miss you,_

_Love,_ _  
_ _Isak_

 

He saved the draft and locked his phone. Even was moving on, he was going to forget about him soon. Isak had known that this would happen. He’d prepared himself for it. He’d been preparing for a long time, even before he’d known he was leaving. He knew he was never going to be as important to Even as he was to him. Even was never going to love him back in the same way, or as much. It didn’t make it hurt any less.

He was so lonely now, even more than before. He couldn’t be friends with Daniel anymore either, not with Emil and Jakob suspecting him. If they did figure it out, how he felt about Even, then they’d probably make his life hell.

He saw the way they glanced at each other whispering about him whenever he passed. Making gestures. Daniel never seemed to see it, Isak couldn’t stand them. But he couldn’t exactly ask Daniel to stop being friends with them. They’d all known each other since primary school. And Isak was sure he wouldn’t want to be friends anymore if he knew the truth. So he stopped talking to all of them, went back to eating his lunch in the library, surrounded by his books.

At home he spent all his time in his room, his father was worried about him, trying to get him to come out so that he could keep an eye on him. But he was still busy with work a lot of the time. So Isak was mostly left alone. He hated it, but it was no one’s fault but his own.

~~~

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_2332, 24th December 2013_**

**_Subject: Merry Christmas!_ **

_Merry Christmas Isak,_

_I’m away with mamma and pappa at the moment. Sorry this is so late. I’ll send you a proper email when I get home._

_Miss you,_ _  
_ _Love Even._

 

**_< Draft Message>_ **

**_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ **

_Re: Merry Christmas_

_Even,_

_I’m so fucking sad._

_I miss you so much._

_I don’t want you to forget about me._

_You’re moving on and I’m stuck here._

_I’m all alone._

_Love,_

_Isak._

 

Isak lay on his bed, staring at his ceiling. Even’s emails were getting shorter and shorter. He barely texted anymore either. Isak knew it was his own fault. He was the one not replying after all. But Even was moving on so what was the point? He had his life in Oslo with his cool gang of friends. And he had a girlfriend now too. He didn’t need some kid pestering him. He’d realise that eventually and give up Isak supposed.

There was a knock at the door, and then it opened slowly. His father peered into the room.

“Isak can I come in?”

Isak sighed and sat up.

“Fine,” he said.

“Hi Isak,” his father said.

Isak just stared at him. His father stepped into the room and sat at the end of the bed.

“How are you doing? I’m sorry this Christmas has been a bit… shitty. I still have a lot of debts to clear, but next year I’ll make it good I promise,” he insisted.

Isak shrugged.

“I don’t care about Christmas, I’m not some stupid kid pappa,” he said.

His father sighed heavily, looking at him with a sad almost smile. He reached for Isak, but Isak pulled away.

“Ok Isak,” he said.

He stood up from the bed and walked towards the door, Isak laid back down and closed his eyes. His father was the last person he wanted to talk to. But he had no one else. He’d stopped talking to Daniel outside of class, since the cafeteria incident. Not that he could talk about _this_ . He couldn’t talk to Even when his problems were about Even and his stupid jealousy. And Jonas _might_ have understood, but he was probably pissed off at him by now.

“Pappa?”

His father turned around and came back to the bed.

“Yes Isak?” he said.

Isak could see the hope in his eyes. But he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t open up.

“Nevermind,” he said, shaking his head.

“Isak?” his father prompted.

“It doesn’t matter,” Isak said, shrugging.

“You can talk to me Isak, god I wish you would, about anything. Isak I’m so worried about you. What’s going on in that head of yours huh?”

“Even’s…”

His father sat back down on the bed, closer to him this time.

“Even’s?”

“He’s gotten a girlfriend. Sonja,” Isak said bitterly.

“Ah, and this is upsetting you?”

God, he was so pathetic, wasn’t he? Even his father could see it, the pity was clear on his face. How sad was he that he just wanted Even all to himself, he didn’t want to share him with anyone. He was behaving like a toddler.

“Isak is the problem that you perhaps want to be the one dating Even?” his father asked, gently.

He sounded so calm, how could he be so calm about this when it was causing Isak so much turmoil? Isak felt sick suddenly. If his father knew… then Jakob and Emil would figure it out. God everyone would know soon. School would become even worse. There was no way Daniel would stay friends with him. He’d be truly alone.

And what about his mother? She would hate him, it would be against everything she believed in. And if Even ever found out Isak would be destroyed. Not that Even would be mean, no Even would let him down gently, then go back to Sonja and laugh about the kid who was in love with him. No one could know. He had to hide it better. Had to fool them all.

“No? Don’t be fucking ridiculous,” he said, but it sounded false even to his own ears.

“Isak…”

He needed to convince him. If he could convince his pappa he could convince the rest of them.

“Don’t be stupid pappa, what the fuck! I’m not gay pappa, don’t be ridiculous!” He pulled away from him, curling up, knees to his chest.

“Isak! Don’t talk like that,” his father said.

“Leave me alone!”

“Isak!”

His father looked distraught. This was the last time he was ever going to open up to him or anyone. Look what it did. Now his father was worried he had a gay son. He was probably so embarrassed now. Isak was enough trouble as it was, now not only was he a difficult child, he was gay on top of it all. No his father didn’t need the grief. He would be better. He would hide better

“I’m fine pappa, don't worry,” Isak insisted.

“Isak that's not what-”

“I’m fine! I just miss Even. He’s my best friend that’s all. Nothing like that,” he said.

“Isak!”

Why was he pushing this? Why wouldn’t he leave him alone?

“I’m tired now,” Isak said.

“Isak please,” he whispered.

But Isak rolled over, sinking his face into the pillow to hide his tears. He didn’t move, even when he heard the door close.

 

~~~

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_1756, 3rd January 2014_ ** ****_  
_ _  
_ _Subject: Happy Belated New Year_

_Isak,_

_Happy New Year. I wanted to send you a message on the first, at midnight, but it was angry and I deleted it. Sometimes you’re so frustrating. I’m seriously considering getting my mamma to call your pappa to check if you're still alive._

_If you don’t want me to keep sending these would you please just tell me? I know I said that you didn't have to reply, but you’re making this really hard Isak. God, you’ve been gone over four months now, and I miss you just as much today as I did when you left._

_I know I said no pressure, but please reply. I miss you. I’m worried. Just let me know you’re ok._

_Love Even._

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_0353, 4th January 2014_ **   
_  
_ ****_Re: Happy Belated New Year_

_i’m ok_

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0806, 4th January 2014_**

**_Re: re: Happy Belated New Year_ **

_Thank you Isak,_

_Love,_ _  
_ _Even_

 

He couldn’t keep doing this to Even. He hated that he was upsetting him, but he lived for the emails he sent. He had to put a stop to it though, it was cruel, to keep this up. He was using Even. Taking comfort from his friend while hurting him. He was the worst person. But he couldn’t bear to end it.

He was back at school now and he felt like he hadn’t slept the entire break. He sat down next to Daniel, as usual. Daniel prodded him looking at him with concern.

“You look like shit Isak,” he said.

Isak shrugged.

“Come on Isak, the guys are really sorry about before, we miss you,” Daniel said.

Isak still didn’t say anything, just stared at him. He wanted to be friends with Daniel, he did, but it was hard.

“Would you join us for lunch today? Please? I promise the guys will be good. You don’t even have to speak, just let us keep you company. I don’t like you eating lunch in the library by yourself.”

He was kind Isak realised, that’s why he trusted him, why he was ok talking to him, despite his choice of friends.

Isak nodded. “Ok,” he said.

He supposed there was no harm giving them another chance.

Lunch was a bit tense, Emil and Jakob didn’t seem to know what was ok to say. Daniel must have spoken to them, warned them not to upset him because they were so polite it was unnerving. But he saw it. When Daniel wasn’t paying attention, the way they smirked at each other. They didn’t say anything, just made jokes about everyone else, and left Isak out of it. He didn’t know how long it would last. He would just put up with it for now. Like Daniel did. He knew they would never be friends.

 

~~~

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0003 12th February 2014_**

 **_Subject: Happy Birthday_ **   
_  
_Hey Even,

_Happy Birthday!_

_I’m so fucking sorry. I miss you so fucking much. I hate it here. I hate everything. I want to come home. I want to see my mamma more than once a fucking month. I am so sorry. It hurts so much. I’m so lonely. My friends are awful, and once they find out… god, what am I going to do?_

_I’m so fucking lonely._

_I miss you so much._

_Please have a good day._

_Don’t worry about me._

_I’ll be fine._

_I’m always fine._

_Isak_

 

He hadn’t meant to send the email, but he was so tired. He couldn't hold back any longer. He pressed send before he could really think about what he was doing. Then he closed his laptop and hid it under his bed.

That was last night. Now he was at school, just trying to stay awake.

“Hey Isak, tired day today?” Daniel asked him.

He was dozing off at his desk, barely able to keep his eyes open.

He’d spent the weekend visiting his mamma. He’d spent the train ride there and back pointedly ignoring his father. He was still pushing him away, not talking to him about anything, terrified he would figure out the thoughts in his head.

They still couldn’t afford to fly unless it was an emergency, so instead, they took the train at the crack of dawn, six hours it took. To visit for just three.

But his mother was doing ok, and he’d been so relieved to see her, so glad she still remembered him. He hated that he only got to see her once every couple of weeks. She’d cried when they’d had to leave. So had he.

Then when he’d got back home late Saturday night he’d spent the rest of the weekend catching up with schoolwork. This combined with his constant inability to sleep throughout the night had resulted in his exhaustion.

“Didn’t get much sleep,” he muttered.

“You never get any sleep,” Daniel countered.

“I was visiting mamma this weekend,” Isak explained.

He’d told Daniel a little about his situation by this point. That his mamma was sick and unable to care for herself. That she resided in a facility, closer to Oslo than Bergen. Unable to move closer due to her instability.

“Ok Isak,” he said understanding. “I got this, just take it easy, I’ll get notes for the both of us. And by that I mean, you can take pictures of my notes. I’ll make them dead good,” he promised.

“Thanks Daniel,” he said, leaning his head on the desk.

His father had made the school aware of his sleeping issues, of his home life after they’d called him in a couple of months ago over Isak sleeping in class. They’d come to an agreement, and the teachers knew to leave him be if it was getting bad. So he was left alone to zone out at his desk, only stirring occasionally when Daniel prompted him.

Isak didn’t look at his phone until he got home, but he’d felt it ringing all day. He didn’t dare check. Even would be furious with him. What had he been thinking? What kind of message was that? Who had a meltdown over email? A pathetic lonely kid like him.

He supposed Sonja wasn’t this dramatic. He couldn’t believe how ridiculous he was being. He was a walking cliché. The closeted gay kid in love with his straight best friend. Pining and jealous now that he’d gotten a girlfriend. He supposed that was one benefit of moving away, he didn’t have to face Even on a daily basis. He would never be able to face him, Even knew him so well, understood every little thing about him. He would see it immediately.

The only reason he hadn’t figured it out was because Isak himself hadn’t understood it at the time. He’d taken it for granted until the moment he’d gotten in the car and driven away from Even. Until the moment his heart broke and he finally realised what he was losing.

He finally pulled his phone out of his pocket when he got up to his room.

 

**17 missed calls - Even Bech Næsheim**

 

**Even Bech Næsheim**

_Isak you are not ok. Answer the phone!_

_Answer the phone!_

_Isak answer me!_

 

Isak just stared at his phone. Watched it ring and ring, too terrified to answer. He never should have sent that stupid email, he should just leave Even alone. Stop bothering him with all his shit.

 

**5 missed calls - Even Bech Næsheim**

 

**Even Bech Næsheim**

_Isak I’m going to call your pappa I’m not fucking around._

 

**Incoming Call - Even Bech Næsheim**

 

“I’m fine Even-”

_“You are so clearly not fine Isak, that email scared the shit out of me.”_

“I’m sorry I never meant to send it,” Isak admitted.

_“What?”_

“I just meant to put Happy Birthday, I didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten, but then all the other stuff spilled out and… and I just couldn’t delete it. God…”

_“Ok, first I need you to breathe, can you do that?”_

“Ok,” Isak muttered.

Then he took a deep breath and fell down onto his bed.

 _“So i’m starting to get an idea of why you’ve been ignoring me,”_ Even said, he didn’t even know the half of it.

But Isak couldn’t bear to elaborate.

“I don’t want to scare you. So I think… I think you should stop emailing and texting. I think we should just give up yeah? You’ve got your life in Oslo, your friends and your new girlfriend, you don’t need to be worrying about some angsty teenager halfway across the country, maybe-”

_“No for fuck sakes Isak don’t do that ok, just don’t do that-”_

“Even it’s too hard, it’s too hard,” he said, trying desperately to hold back his tears.

Even was quiet for a while. Isak could hear him breathing hard down the line.

_“Don’t you understand that this is hard for me too? That I miss you too? That it breaks my heart that you’re in so much pain? You can’t just cut me out because it’s hard Isak that’s not fair!”_

“But you’re fine Even, you have friends, you have Sonja-”

_“Don’t Isak! Jesus Christ! It’s not the same ok? I can have other people in my life and still miss you. I could surround myself with a hundred people, but I would still miss you every minute of the day, because you are the most important. Why can’t you understand that? Why can’t you believe me when I tell you that?”_

“I…”

_“No I know, I know. I will tell you every day for the rest of your life if I have to. If that’s what it takes for you to believe me. I hate this doubt you have. I wish more than anything I could take it away.”_

Isak hated himself for upsetting Even so much, but he just couldn’t bear to let him go. If for some reason Even still wanted to be friends with him, he would take what he could get.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

_“No don’t do that, don’t apologise. Here’s what’s going to happen. I am going to keep emailing and messaging you, until you tell me to stop, same plan as before. I get that replying is hard, you’re scared to let me see how much you’re struggling and that’s fine. I can’t force you to reply. But please reply if you can, even if it’s just a couple of words, if not it's fine, I’ll keep emailing. I won’t ever stop Isak. Ok so far?”_

“Even that’s literally what we’re doing now and it’s not working, it’s not-”

_“And then you’ll come home, for the summer. I’ll sort it with mamma, we’ll organise it properly. It won’t just be this vague idea. Even if it’s just for a couple of weeks, it’ll be a solid plan. It’ll be something you can look forward to. We’ll set dates and then you can countdown. For me just knowing you’re coming is enough but I know how you work, you need something concrete or it just doesn't exist for you.”_

“Yeah?”

Even sighed.

 _“I don’t want… I want you to live your life, and this doesn’t seem like the best way of doing that. But if it helps you then it’s worth a try. Yeah? We’ll hang out, catch up, go see your mamma, see Jonas even,”_ he said.

Isak gasped, now it felt so real like he could really see Even again. He’d known he was supposed to go back and visit, but to him, it always seemed like something that would never really happen. Even though it would be hard, he could handle his feelings for a short time, if it meant they could be together again.

“Please, yes please I want to do that. Even can we really?”

Isak almost couldn’t believe it was going to happen.

 _“Yes but I want you to promise me you’ll try ok? I want you to try and live while you’re in Bergen too, and make some better friends please. I don’t like the sound of these guys, and what are you worried about them finding out? What's wrong?”_ Even asked.

“Nothing Even I was just being dramatic,” Isak said.

He was never going to tell Even _that._

_“Isak.”_

“Even.”

_“Ok fine. I’ll leave it for now, tell me when you’re ready ok? But I want you to make better friends ok?”_

“It’s so hard Even,” Isak said.

_“I know, but please try.”_

“Ok, I promise I’ll try,” Isak said. “Thank you Even,” he said.

_“What for?”_

“For being you,” Isak whispered, “for taking care of me.”

 _“You sound so tired Isak,”_ Even said.

“Yeah I haven’t slept properly in months,” Isak admitted.

 _“Shit, then I’m gonna let you go, you need to sleep Isak,”_ Even said.

“Wait could you stay? On the phone I mean, it might help some,” Isak said.

_“Of course I can, I’ll tell you all about my boring days without you, until you fall asleep, how does that sound?”_

“Thanks Even,” Isak said, turning over and collapsing against his pillows.

He didn’t even get undressed, just lay there in his jeans and sweater, on top of the covers, listening as Even’s voice lulled him to sleep. It was the first time in months that he slept through the night.

 

~~~

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_1032, 22 March 2014_**

**_Subject: THIS IS YOUR MONTHLY EMAIL FROM EVEN!!_ **

_Hi Isak,_

_How are you? Hope things are ok with you. I’m doing good. Actually I’m not, I dunno I’ve felt a bit weird lately. Sorry I haven’t been texting as much, I didn’t want to worry you. Oh I just realised I’m being like you! Except I don’t really have a reason? I think schools just been a lot more hectic than I’m used to. Feels like there’s so much to get done, you know? Not enough time and all that. Time is going so fast. And I’ve been feeling a bit up and down lately. And I’m sooo tired right now. I literally slept all weekend. But I’ll be ok. You’ll be visiting soon. Are you flying? Or catching the train? Mamma has offered to get you plane tickets for your birthday. She really misses you I think. Pappa too._

_I’ve missed you the most though._

_Love,_

_Even_

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0017, 23 March 2014_**

**_re: THIS IS YOUR MONTHLY EMAIL FROM EVEN!!_ **

_Even,_

_I’m worried about you now. You need to take care of yourself. School isn’t that important as long as you’re ok._

_I’m ok… ish. Same old same old. I couldn’t make any new friends yet. I mean I haven’t really tried. But Daniel is cool really. Jakob and Emil are still just assholes to be honest, but I’ll make do. I don’t really hang out with them outside of school anyway, there’s only so many little digs and jokes I can take in one day, but it’s less lonely I guess._

_Pappa says don’t worry about the plane tickets, he will buy them. I think his work is finally going better. He seems less stressed at least. I miss Anne and Tomas too. Tell them will you?_

_Please take care of yourself. Have you talked to your parents? I do know I’m being hypocritical so no need for backchat._

_Miss you the most,_

_Love,_

_Isak_

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0503, 30 April 2014_**

**_Subject: Hi_ **

_Hi Isak,_

_How's it going? I’m doing ok I guess, mamma is allowing me to take some time off school. I just pushed myself too hard I think. I was trying to get all my projects done, and I started worrying about letting everyone down, so I stopped sleeping. I lost track of things for a while, like I got all the work done but when I look back at it it's all over the place. I barely remember filming any of it. I feel like I lost time. It’s so weird._

_So I’m taking your advice and putting myself first over school. I’ve got two more years here so I don’t want to burn out now._

_Promise me when you get to high school you’ll do the same yeah? Put yourself first, have fun too._

_Three months to go!_

_Love Even_

_PS,_

_I’ve resurrected the old list - Isak and Even’s Summer of Epicness - Take II! Are you excited? Don’t roll your eyes._

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0342, 1 May 2014_**

**_re: Hi_ **

_Even,_

_I’m scared. You’re scaring me. You’re never not ok. You’re always supposed to be ok. Please be ok._

_I can’t wait to see you._

_Love,_

_Isak_

_P.S. We did most of the stuff on the list last year?_

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0917, 28 May 2014_**

**_Subject: Summer is almost here!_ **

_Hi Isak,_

_Mamma spoke with your pappa last night. I could hear you arguing with him, how you’ll be fifteen and won’t need an adult with you on your flight. Still so grumpy! Anyway it’s all confirmed. You’ll be here on the 30th July, all the way up to just before school. Which neither of the parents are happy about. But I reminded mine that my happiness comes before school haha! Your pappa pretty much does whatever you say so it should be fine!_

_I’m so excited to see you!_

_Oh I’m doing a lot better, I think I’m finding a good balance. I’m really sorry for scaring you before. I’m sorry I stopped texting. Everything was a lot. But how are you? You’ve got one more year of middle school left now, I can't believe it! God I still wish you were here, we could’ve been in high school together. Only for a year but still._

_Miss you,_

_Love,_

_Even_

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_1001, 28 May 2014_**

**_re: Summer is almost here!_ **

_Hey Even,_

_Yes pappa is refusing to book the plane tickets just yet. He is still undecided about whether he needs to accompany me. Like seriously does he think I’m five or something? It's a domestic flight, he’s acting like I’m going around the world or something._

_It just seems excessive for him to fly all the way to Oslo just to fly straight back. It’s a waste of money. We’re doing better but it’s still a waste._

_Anyway I’m doing ok. School is ok. Daniel is ok. Emil and Jakob are just their normal asshole selves. But Daniel seems to be getting tired of them too. Maybe we can go to different high schools._

_Also just so you know we would have never been at high school together, as I wouldn't have been seen dead at Elvebakken!_

_Love,_

_Isak_

 

~~~

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_0005, 21 June 2014_**

**_Subject: Happy Birthday!!!!!_ **

**_  
_ ** _Hey Isak! It’s your birthday!_

_I can’t believe you’re not here, this is probably your first birthday we’ve spent apart in years. Still we won’t dwell on that now. You’ll be here soon enough. I’m literally counting down the days till you come._

_Still I’ll be busy until then, so hopefully the time will go quickly. Sonja has invited me to Venice with her family, for a couple of weeks, which should be good I suppose. Sonja’s parents are a little… I don’t know reserved I guess, but hopefully we can just go off and do our own thing. Sonja will be here in August so she’s looking forward to meeting you, on account of the fact I still talk about you all the time._

_Oh and after that I’m going to Berlin with the boys. Just for a week, we’re going to a film festival. You know as we’re all budding filmmakers. Just you wait, we’ll be famous one day. But yeah I’ll be busy pretty much up until the day you arrive. But don’t worry, I’ve set aside those two and a half weeks just for you. You will stay until the day before school starts. Afterall you’re not in high school yet so you won’t have any school work!!!_

_I hope you’re ok, I know your birthday isn’t your favourite thing. I’ve got you a present. I know I know “no presents!” but I had too. I want to give it to you in person though. So you’ll just have to wait._

_See you soon,_

_Love,_

_Even._

 

Isak locked his phone and dragged himself out of bed. Now that his visit was so close he felt unsure. He hadn’t realised Even would be so busy this summer, that he was going to be taking up so much of his time. And he didn’t want to meet Sonja. That would be hell, he wouldn’t be able to handle it, she might see right through him.

He sighed and walked heavily downstairs. His father hugged him as soon as he walked into the kitchen.

“Happy Birthday Isak!”

“Pappa,” Isak warned.

“Now now Isak I didn't get you a present as promised, but I thought perhaps we could go into town, shopping? It’s Saturday after all. Maybe we could get you some new trainers and video games and stuff. I don’t want to get the wrong thing, so you can choose.”

He let him go and took a step back, looking Isak over, taking him in and smiling.

“You’re a young man now Isak,” he said.

“Do we even have money for that crap?” Isak asked, sitting down heavily in his seat at the table.

“Isak, we are doing ok now, we are doing fine actually. And I want to treat you, it’s your birthday, you deserve it,” he said.

“I don’t want anything though,” Isak argued, leaning back in his chair.

“You don’t want _anything_? Anything at all?”

“Maybe some new headphones… but we can just buy them online,” Isak said.

“Come on Isak, let’s go into town, make a day of it, perhaps go out for food,” he tried.

“Maybe we could…”

His father leant forward, encouraging him. “We could?”

“We could… could we go to the science centre?”

“Of course Isak! Damn why didn’t I think of that? We can do anything you want. It will be nice for you to get out of your room,” his pappa said.

He sounded so excited, standing up and clearing away his breakfast things.

“It’s only been a week, and school was tiring so? I needed the rest,” Isak said.

He was a teenager, why shouldn’t he slouch around in his room?

“I know, I know, but I worry about you when you isolate yourself like this. I don’t like going to work and leaving you here.”

“I’m fine pappa,” Isak insisted.

“I would like it if you got out of the house a bit, or invited your friends over,” his father suggested.

“Maybe Daniel can come over then,” Isak said.

“Good good. I like Daniel,” his father said.

“That’s because he’s a goody two shoes,”

Daniel had been over a couple of times and was charming and polite like always. A total suck up if you asked Isak, but his father liked him.

“Well that’s not a bad thing Isak,” his father argued.

“Oh and I’ve decided… you are old enough to fly by yourself, and you don’t need me fussing over you all the time. So tonight we can book your flights to Oslo, if you’re sure you’re ok by yourself?”

“I don’t know…”

The relief on his father’s face was obvious. He thought Isak was hesitant over flying by himself.

“No that’s fine, we’ll look at flight times, I can of course come with you, what was I thinking? I don’t mind at all,” he said.

“No I mean I don’t know that I’m going,” Isak said.

Since he’d read Even’s email, he suddenly felt doubtful about the whole thing. It was a bad idea. Maybe he should keep his distance until he got over whatever this was. Maybe it would help. Though that seemed impossible at the moment.

“What?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he said.

“But you’ve been planning for months, you and Even always spend the summer together,” his father said.

“Not anymore,” Isak said, shrugging.

His pappa grabbed his hands and for once Isak didn’t pull away.

“Isak what’s going on?”

“I just think that Even is too busy with his new friends to see me, and he’s too busy going on holiday with his girlfriend so doesn’t have time for me anymore, he’s had to carve time out of his busy schedule to babysit me and I don’t think it’s a good idea. He only offered because he felt obliged or something,” Isak said.

He knew exactly how bitter he sounded but he couldn’t help it.

“Isak are you upset about missing Even? Or… or are you upset because Even has a girlfriend?” his pappa asked carefully.

Isak pulled his hands free. He didn’t want this conversation again, why would his father not let it die?

“Will you fucking stop with that!” he snapped.

“It’s ok Isak-”

Isak stormed upstairs but his father followed him, running up the stairs, struggling to keep up. Isak reached his room and flung himself onto the bed.

“Look you can talk to me about this stuff Isak,” his father insisted.

“Oh what the fact that you think I’m a pathetic friend because my friend got a girlfriend?”

“Look I know this is hard Isak,”

“Or are you just disappointed by the fact that you somehow ended up stuck with a gay son! Right? Just another thing to add to the list of what’s wrong with Isak I guess!”

He was screaming now. There was no taking it back after this. Maybe his father would just send him away like his mother. Maybe that would be best. He was looking at Isak terrified now.

“Isak Jesus!”

He didn’t want to be sent away.

“No wait I - shit, I’m not- I’m not-”

His chest felt so tight, constricting painfully. His heart was pounding so hard. His vision was blurring, bright spots danced around his eyes. He got up out of his bed. He tried to leave the room but he stumbled and his father caught him, holding him back.

“Isak breathe,” he said, but Isak could barely hear him over the roaring sound in his ears.

He couldn’t believe he’d said that. What the hell was wrong with him? What if his father hated him now? He was already difficult enough to deal with, this would just make it worse. Maybe he’d finally realise that he wasn’t worth the effort. He probably just wanted a normal son. What if he told mamma? She’d never forgive him. It went against everything she believed in. He’d be a sinner in her eyes. One of the people she prayed about.

The room was spinning now. The only reason he was still upright was because his pappa was holding onto him so tightly. He was saying something but Isak couldn’t hear him. There was a loud ringing in his ears, drowning out everything else.

Suddenly they were on the floor, both of them, his pappa against the wall, still holding Isak tight. Rocking him gently. The spinning room was starting to slow down.

“Just breathe Isak, you’re safe, just breathe,” his pappa whispered. “In, out, that's it.”

He repeated it over and over. Isak focussed on his breathing, trying to match it to his pappa’s voice. It took time but after what seemed like hours he felt his heart rate start to slow.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out.

His pappa just held him tighter.

“Don’t… don’t apologise Isak,” he whispered.

“I…”

“Talk to me. Please talk to me Isak,” he was crying now.

“I don’t know how…”

“Are you afraid of me?”

“I don’t… I just… don’t you hate me now?”

“Isak no, of course not. You are my son, no matter who you love, I can’t understand why you’d think any differently?”

“But don’t you want me to be… normal, a better son?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Because I’m difficult,” he said.

“Difficult how?”

“I don’t talk… I get so angry… and angry at you… I lock myself away… and now I’m gay. Surely that’s not what you want,” Isak tried to explain. “Don’t you hate me?”

“Isak all those things are just who you are. Maybe the anger is a bit worrying, but the rest? I wish you would talk to me of course. But why would you think that? Why would you think anyone would hate you?”

“My friends will, everyone at school will,” Isak insisted.

“Surely not… is this that Jakob boy? Or Emil? You know I don’t like them Isak,” he said.

“They tease me all the time,” Isak admitted.

“Tease you how?”

“I… they call me names, shove me about. They call me gay all the time. And they tease me about Even. And that I have to keep it a secret. That I should be ashamed of myself. I can’t… they said you would hate me. That I would be alone. And then they will get me.”

“I’m going to kill them!” his father muttered.

He squeezed Isak even tighter, so he almost couldn’t breathe, yet Isak hadn’t felt this safe in a long time.

Isak pulled back slightly, eyes wide. He’d never, not in all his life seen his father angry. Not like this.

“The school have just been allowing this? Why has no one noticed? Why has no one told me? I knew it! I knew you were quieter than what’s normal for you. I kept telling myself it was the move, the new school. God, I’ve been so worried, why didn’t I make you talk?”

“I’m sorry pappa,” Isak murmured

“You will stay away from those boys you hear me? I will go into the school as soon as term starts and sort this out,” he said.

“They’re my only friends,” Isak argued, but he knew it wasn’t true.

“Isak they are not your friends, Isak they are bullying you, this is… Isak this is cruel,” he said.

“But Daniel-”

“No Isak, Daniel is not your friend if he is allowing this to happen,” he said.

But that wasn’t fair really.

“He doesn’t know. They do it when he’s not around,” Isak explained. “Pappa I can’t go through school alone,” he said.

“We’ll figure this out Isak I promise,” his pappa said, still rocking him gently.

Isak just felt calm, calm like he hadn’t felt in months.

“I miss Even so much. Pappa I love him so much, I know I’m young and stupid, but this feels like _it_ you know? But I didn’t realise until it was too late,” he said.

“Nonsense you are young, yes, but your feelings are still valid. And I mean I don’t think it’s too late,” his pappa argued.

“Oh yeah what should I just show up to Oslo? All Even I’m in love with you break up with your girlfriend for me! He would hate me for that,” Isak said, placing his hands over his face and groaning.

“Ok well maybe don’t do that, but… but don’t give up your friendship Isak, that's not fair on Even. I understand if it's harder, and you want to keep your distance, but I don’t think you should cut him out completely,” his father said.

“Ok,” Isak said, uncovering his face.

“Ok?”

“I don’t know if I can do it though, go to Oslo. I... it would kill me to leave him again,” he admitted.

“Oh Isak,” his father said softly. “Don’t make any rash decisions, think it over. We still have time ok? Now let’s pull ourselves together, and go out for your birthday, yeah?”

They sat together in silence for a while.

“So?” he prompted, after a few minutes.

“So?” Isak responded.

“You just came out to me then?”

“Yeah I guess,” Isak shrugged. “You already knew though, you’ve been trying to get me to talk for months.”

“Only because I was worried about you. It was all rather dramatic in the end wasn’t it?” his pappa said, smiling at him. “I guess we’re going to have to have _the talk._ ”

He buried his face in his hands again. He was going to scream, this was mortifying.

“No! No we are not! I don’t need the talk, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Well you’re going to, I’ve been researching all about it” his pappa said, nodding thoughtfully to himself.

“Gross!”

“It’s my job so suck it up!” he said,

They stood up and his father left the room, laughing to himself.

Isak fell back onto the bed and groaned. His father popped his head back in the room.

“I’m so proud of you Isak,” he said.

“Thank you pappa,” Isak said “Pappa?

“Yeah,”

“I am... I… just don’t… don’t tell mamma, or anyone yet,” he said.

“In your own time Isak, there’s no rush ok?”

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_1833, 21 June 2014_ ** ****_  
_ _  
_ ****_Re: Happy Birthday!!!!!_

 _Hi Even,_ _  
_ _I get that you’re busy. It’s probably best if we cancel the trip then yeah, then you won’t have to set aside all this time just to entertain me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to babysit me, when you’d much rather be spending time with your friends, or with Sonja. Plus there’s probably all sorts of parties that you’ll miss out on, because you won’t be able to take me with you because I’m too young._

_I know I’m not cool and all that so you don’t need me cramping your style. But have fun with Sonja in Venice yeah, and in the gang in Berlin._

_Isak._

 

 **_to: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_1907, 21 June 2014_**

 **_Re: re: Happy Birthday!!!!!_ ** ****_  
_ _  
_ _Isak that’s not what I fucking meant. Would you please stop being so fucking difficult? I’ll always make time for you. Hanging out with you is literally all I want to do this summer. I’ve been waiting all year, and it’s been killing me. Please come to Oslo._

 _Love,_ _  
_ _Even_

 

 **_to: evenbechnæsheim@gmail.com_ ** ****_  
_ **_from: isak.valtersen@gmail.com_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_1911, 21 June 2014_**

**_Re: re: Happy Birthday!!!!!_ **

_Ok_

 

_~~~_

 

**july 2014**

Isak was sitting in his bed, staring at the half-packed suitcase. The apartment was silent. He was home alone again. Had been for the past three days. His father rang every couple of hours but Isak ignored it, texted that he was fine and threw the phone aside every time. He didn’t want to hear what he had to say. He was too afraid.

He picked it up now though.

He had to make a call.

 

**Even Bech Næsheim**

_Are you free?_

_Can I call?_

 

**Incoming Call: Even Bech Næsheim**

Isak sighed and answered the call.

“Hi Even,” he said.

_“Isak! Hi! Are you excited! Just three more days to go until-”_

“I’m not coming,” Isak said.

Isak heard something break, Even must have thrown something. He understood, he was frustrating.

_“Isak what the fuck! You’re supposed to be coming in three days, and now you just change your mind! I get that you’re going through shit, I do! But you know what I am too. I miss you too for fuck sakes, I’m the only one who’s trying to keep this friendship alive! Oh my god why do you keep doing this?”_

“I’m sorry,” Isak whispered.

 _“So that’s it you’re not coming. I’ll just cancel everything I had planned shall I?”_ Even demanded.

He wasn't shouting yet but he didn’t need to. Isak could tell he was furious.

“I can’t,” Isak said.

_“Why the fuck not?”_

“Mamma’s getting worse. She’s hurting herself. She hurt a nurse too but I know she didn’t mean to! But they have to keep her sedated now. They want to move her to a locked ward! Pappa’s there now trying to stop them. If they do that we’ll never see her. No visits!”

Isak’s chest felt like it was caving in, he couldn't catch his breath. He gasped, the room was spinning around him.

_“Shit! Isak breathe, I need you to breathe. Listen to my voice, focus on me. Breathe Isak-”_

“I can’t- I can’t. She’s going to forget all about me soon, she’s losing her mind Even. Oh god-”

 _“Just breathe with me it's ok, keep breathing,”_ Even said.

Isak pressed the phone to his ear so hard that it hurt. Even just kept speaking, calmly. It took almost ten minutes, but Isak finally got his breathing back under control.

 _“Ok?”_ Even whispered.

“Yeah,” Isak said, his voice cracking from the tears.

 _“Isak, oh fuck! God I’m so sorry,”_ he said.

“Not your fault.”

 _“I fucking yelled at you,”_ Even said, sounding distraught.

“It doesn't matter, you’re allowed to be upset with me. I’ve been an absolutely shit friend,” Isak said.

 _“No you’ve been going through hell, and struggling to deal with it. I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but it's a pretty valid reason for your behaviour,”_ Even said.

“I can’t come back Even, I can’t even get out of bed right now, but I can’t come back even if I could,” Isak told him.

_“No that’s ok, I get it, look hopefully things will settle down and then maybe next year…”_

Isak stayed silent.

_“You mean ever don’t you? You can’t come back ever?”_

“I’m sorry, it’s too hard, it’s all too fucking hard.”

 _“So… what now?”_ Even asked.

It sounded like he was crying.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Isak admitted.

_“Isak please…”_

“Thank you for being my friend Even, you’re the best person I ever met. But I need to let you go. It’s selfish of me to keep you like this, never giving anything back. And I just don’t have anything left give anymore, ok?”

_“Isak wait. Wait!”_

Isak stayed silent waiting, he had to let Even talk, it was only fair.

_“You’re being absolutely fucking ridiculous, and I’m hoping that when you calm down and start seeing things clearly you’ll change your mind, but I’m fucking terrified you’re too far gone inside your own head. So if you’re going to do this if you're really going to cut me out, would you please promise me something?”_

“What?”

_“Please fucking talk to someone, please Isak I’m begging you. How you’re feeling right now is just going to keep getting worse if you don’t. Promise me Isak, promise me!”_

Even sounded almost hysterical now, this was not what Isak wanted. He needed him to calm down.

“Ok Even I promise,” he said, more to appease Even than anything else. He didn’t want to panic him, just end all this so that Even could finally move on with his life.

 _“Please don’t do this,”_ Even begged.

“I’m so sorry Even. I love you. I really do,” he whispered.

Then he hung up the phone.


End file.
